President Obama's speech on the economy

Funny story written by matwil

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

image for President Obama's speech on the economy
'This is now, we are here, the future will be our new past ...'

'My fellow Americans, this is it, here we are, now is now. In effect this is the time for all good men, all good women, all good children, all good pet goldfishes to move forward to a new America, a new future, a new beginning. We must change with the times, changes must change with the times, not a second more or less will be wasted in our efforts to turn the future back from the past into tomorrow, for this is not the past or the present, but the future of the United States of America.'

'The economy needs governmental guidance, a firm and soft hand that will help it sustain growth and expansion as we move back from recession into a prosperous and bright tomorrow, a tomorrow that like yesterday can only be possible for ourselves if we look into our hearts, into our minds, into our mirrors, and say - 'I wish I'd get to the point and stop waffling endlessly.'

'Yesterday our troubles seemed far away, today our troubles seem a little closer, tomorrow - if we believe in ourselves, and believe in America - our troubles will, I think we can see, be even worse, but of course it won't be what some may say is the completely useless Democrat party and its Presidents to blame, it will be the previous Republican ones.'

'And so let us move forward with confidence, lets us make speeches like ham Shakespearean actors without ever really saying anything, let us vaguely hint everything will simply get better without saying how that will happen, let us break the world record for the most amount of commas and - and this is our choice - pauses in a single sentence, since Tony Blair made that slobbering speech last year in Washington.'

'Let us pretend we are either Winston Churchill or Her Majesty the Queen, lets us sound more and more pompous and use the Royal 'we', let us drone on so long that people will fall asleep, fall into a coma, and fall into autumn's faded leaves with boredom.'

'The economy will recover, job losses will reduce, unemployment will fall, growth will increase, war will end, the sun will shine endlessly, Gordon Brown will stop being slimy, George W Bush will find where his brain is, John McCain won't, and we will all live happily ever after, while bluebirds sing and 'The Little House On The Prairie' is on TV 24 hours a day. Thank you.'

['What d'ya think, Michelle? Think the suckers will notice I never actually said anything about the economy?' 'Don't think so, honey. Heck, they voted for dumbos like George and John, as long as you sound intelligent and use lots of long sentences you'll be fine, just don't say how you're actually going to fix the economy. Oh, and wave and smile a lot, that's worth ten million votes.' 'OK, babe.' 'OK, then.']

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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