Written by Madame Bitters

Wednesday, 31 December 2008

image for Redneck Bible Interpretation: Genesis 1:1 - 2:3
Day Three, I think.

The Story of Creation
Genesis 1:1 - 2:3

In the beginning, before God got to creating stuff there weren't much around. 'Cept darkness and water. Nothing else, though. God would fix that PDQ.

The first day God must've got tired of wandering around in the dark because He made light. I reckon He was happy with it 'cause He seperated from it the dark- sorta like you would put all your bolts in one place and all the nuts in another. It just makes sense. That was the end of the first day.

The second day He made "firmament," which sounds like something you'd do after you had a couple of bowls of 5 alarm chili. It ain't though- God don't need to do that stuff. He was happy with what He'd done and that was the end of the second day.

On day three God sucked up some of that water we was talking about earlier and turned it into dry land. He named it Earth and then He put some trees and crops on it. I like to imagine He did it with a machine sorta like a roto-rooter, but there's really no telling with God. He left water in some places and He called them Seas. He looked at what He done and it was good. That's it for day three.

On day four God decided there needed to be a better way mark days and seasons and years and stuff. I mean He knew what time it was and everything 'cause He's God and all, but He knew the rest of us would get mixed up. So He made the sun, moon and stars and He was right pleased with hisself. That's all she wrote for day four.

On day five God did all of us fishermen and duck hunters a solid. He put fish and other stuff in the oceans and seas and birds in the sky. He told 'em to breed and make a bunch of theyselves and I reckon they did. So God was happy and that was the end of day five.

Now, on the sixth day God must've realized that the Earth neede more than fish and birds on it, so He made a bunch of different animals to go on the Earth with the fish and birds. This was good 'cause if He didn't what would we hunt during deer season? Crows? I ain't never heard of no crow season.

Then God did something real cool. He made people! He made a man and a woman. God made them so they looked like He did! Then He told the man and woman and the animals to breed like crazy. God looked over all He'd done and he was mighty pleased with Hisself and rightly so. That was it for the sixth day.

Now, God done all of that in six days so He was pretty worn out. God needed to kick back and He did. He didn't do nothin' all of that last day. That was the seventh day.

That's why NASCAR is always on Sunday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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