Jeff Foxworthy to Translate Bible into 'Redneck'

Funny story written by Madame Bitters

Monday, 22 December 2008

image for Jeff Foxworthy to Translate Bible into 'Redneck'
Throw this out or use it to right a wobbly table leg.. The new one is waaaay gooder.

Atlanta, GA- American comedian Jeff Foxworthy of 'You might be a redneck' fame is a very busy man. In addition to hosting top rated prime time game show, 'Are you Smarter that a 5th Grader?'; creating and headlining the wildly successful Blue Collar Comedy tour, authoring bestsellers that poke fun at his southern roots like "The Redneck Dictionary", Foxworthy has agreed to tackle what promises to be his most challeging project yet: the translation of the Holy Bible into 'redneck'.

Earlier this year results from over fifty years of surveys, polls and comment cards were tallied up; the results were discouraging to put it mildly.

Leaders of the Christian faith were dismayed to learn that while the Holy Bible is both the highest selling and most stolen book in history, the vast majority of buyers and theives didn't understand the contents of the 'Good Book' and gave up trying to read it after only a few verses.

According to the surveys there were a multitude of reasons for this. Among them were the miniscule size of the print, the crepe paper consistency of the pages and the lack of illistrations.

However, the number one reason people didn't read the Bible was that readers were put off by the complexity of the word and phrases. This makes perfect sense to Dr. Silas Weatherbone of the Institute of Consumer Reasoning and Science.

"A cursory look through the Bible would turn off any reader. The language and terms are archaic because it was written so long ago. The Bible needs to be revamped for readers of the new millenium."

Professor Horace Hume, head of Yale's English Department agrees. "There are just too many words. By that I mean the writers used several sentances to convey an idea that could be related in just a few words. That obsolete style of writing won't cut it in our fast-paced soceity."

"There's always been opposition to changing anything in or about the Bible, but historically it's always been beneficial," says Biblical scholar Dr. Tibbius Greenleaf.

Dr. Greenleaf goes on to say, "From printing the Bible out on a press instead of writing it by hand, to translating the Bible from Latin To English- all of these changes brought the Bible to more people. What's the harm in updating the Bible some more?"

Eventually, the Vatican and other church leaders relented. After much debate over who the best person was to give the Bible a makeover, it was agreed that comedian Jeff Foxworthy would be best suited to the task.

Dr. Weatherbone concurs. "According to our consumer reports, Foxworthy's folksy, 'you might be a redneck,' style is best tolerated by the sort of readers who would benefit most from a plain English version on the Bible." The tentative title of the revamped good book is The Bible in Plain English

Since Mr. Foxworthy's grueling schedule prevented him from meeting with me directly to discuss this monumentous undertaking, I spoke with Foxworthy's agent Mr. Cleburne Turnipseed.

"Mr. Foxworthy feels very honored that the leaders of the Christian faith have chosen him to make the Bible more readable to the average reader."

Talk of bringing Larry the Cableguy on board to narrate the audiobook version of The Bible in Plain English have not been substansiated.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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