Written by rfreed

Sunday, 21 December 2008


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image for Highlights of Dick Cheney's Career
VP Dick Cheney gearing up for another day of work.

August 1962- Dodges draft.

May 1963- Dodges draft.

November 1964- Dodges draft.

September 1965- Dodges draft.

January 1966- Dodges draft.

May 1969- Becomes intern for William Steiger who famously says "I never had sex with that man. Cheney agreed.

July 1969- Joins Office of Economic Opportunity, which pretty much describes what his whole career was about anyway. Makes it his motto for the rest of his life and he thereafter considers every office he has to be an Office of Economic Opportunity.

Apr. 1972- Nixon pats his arm and says "I'll teach you everything I know." He does.

June 1972- Overhears info about 'Watergate' break-in and turns it over to 'Deep Throat'.

July 1976- Becomes Chief Of Staff and promptly misuses power by clubbing any one who didn't agree with him with a staff.

April 1980- Screws up attempted Iran hostage rescue. Ordered diesel put in helicopter instead of high octane.

June 1986- Votes against letting Nelson Mandela out of prison saying, "There's too many of them running around the streets as it is. What's that? He's in South Africa? Even better!"

May 1988- Becomes Minority Whip. Immediately misuses power to whip any minorities that dare show their face in the House of Representatives.

January 1989- Casper Wyoming names its new Federal Building the "Dick Cheney Federal Building". Plaque outside mistakenly says "Cheney Dicks Feds." and is promptly removed. Building uniquely only has men's restrooms (true!). This is because anything going on in a building named after Cheney would be enough to turn any woman gay anyway.
March 1989- Becomes Secretary Of Defense despite having dodged the draft five times. Says to reporters "Wars? What wars?"

April 1989- Gets Oliver North to take rap for Iran gate scandal, calling him a 'ninny' if he didn't.

December 1989- Directs invasion of Panama until he discovers there's no oil there.

July 1990- Eggs Saddam Hussein to invade Kuwait to secretly help Halliburton to get more control of mideast oil by calling him a 'ninny' if he doesn't.

August 1995- Becomes CEO of Halliburton and simultaneously take oath as Sith Lord. Gets to wear Darth Vader costume on job.

January 1996- Secretly urges Lewinsky to seduce Bill Clinton to topple him. Calls her a 'ninny' if she doesn't.

November 2000- Cheney becomes VP- President of Vice of the U.S., a title he intends to live up to.

January 2002- Puts unchewable pretzels in Bush living room in assasination attempt.

February 2002- Invents waterboarding.

February 2006- Cheney shoots friend while hunting. Claims he thought it was Bin Laden.

October 2008- Cheney follows Nixon's advise and swallows classified papers on CIA agent Valerie Plame.

January 2009- Doesn't croak during entire time in office.

May 2010- Gets role of Uncle Fester in new Addam's Family movie.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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