Written by witness2history

Friday, 12 December 2008


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(Football Agent) Sky Andrews : "Hello Is that Johnny Cochrane?, It's Sky here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, The Police are fucking useless, they've published 16 Photographs of the Homophobic Racists that abused Sol Campbell and they've only found 2, and one of them was the fucking Ball Boy, and well Sol is very upset if he was a Straight White Man they would have got them all by now, he thinks we should now Sue the Police, and we should get a "Showbiz" Lawyer to sort it out , or even better get a new contract at Portsmouth, are you interested?".

Johnny Cochrane : "You want me, a Black Man to sit, in a Courtroom, in front of a White Judge, and accuse all them White Poilceman, of Racial Discrimination? Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

Sky Andrews : "The money's good?"

Johnny Cochrane : How much?"

Sky Andrews : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"

Johnny Cochrane : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

Johnny Cochrane : "Sammy, can please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the English Premier League, sorry about that Sky, I'm really busy right now sorting out OJ Simpson's Re-Trial, He's just the gift that keeps on giving that man, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

Sky Andrews : "Who is that in the background?"

Johnny Cochrane : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

Sky Andrews : "Will he do it?"

Johhny Cochrane : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".


Commissioner Sir Ian Blair : "Look I'm sorry but we're really busy re-negotiating Tarique Ghaffur's Compensation Award…".

Sargeant "EastEnd" Eddy Numbnuts : "'Not today me old China, Aarr Scooooby Doooos are allweddy Shiny "

Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"

Sargeant "EastEnd" Eddy Numbnuts : "¿Dja Say Samfink Kinte? "

Samuel L Jackson : "¿Kinte? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿Kinte? "

Sargeant "EastEnd" Eddy Numbnuts : "¿Nah I don't get it Kinte? "

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

Sargeant "EastEnd" Eddy Numbnuts : "¿Wassatt Kinte? "

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿Kinte? " again! C'mon, say "¿Kinte? "
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿Kinte? " one more goddamn time!"

Tarquin Phelps : "I am fresh from Hendon, And top of the Diversity Class with 37%, allow me!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what Sol Campbell looks like!"

Tarquin Phelps : "Well he's... he's... black" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

Tarquin Phelps : "...and he's... he's... bald" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

Tarquin Phelps : "Pardon?

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

Tarquin Phelps : "No!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"

Tarquin Phelps : "We Didn't!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well Sol Campbell doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. Sol Campbell!", "Yeah Right!, well anyway".

Tarquin Phelps : "I don't know what to say…."

Samuel L Jackson : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?", "First you put 16 photos of suspects on the web directly underneath them you show a picture of Sol, from behind, in his tight shorts, looking suggestively over his right shoulder, making him look like a Faggot, and then arrest just two of them before you close the case. Even Guy Ritchie couldn't make up shit like that!".

Boris Johnson : "But we made a token effort, surely that's enough!".

Samuel L Jackson : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Boris!", "You couldn't run a fucking Fucking bath", "My man Sol will have his day in Court"
" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Sargeant "EastEnd" Eddy Numbnuts : "Fuck It, Just give him what whatever he wants, An Apology, Money, Tickets To The Ballet, anything!"

Tarquin Phelps : "Oh speak Fucking English NOW do we?"

Sir Ian Blair : "I'll sign the Cheque, anything, just let me out of here!".

Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿Kinte? Shit?"



Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

Fucking metric system!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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