Paris Hilton Doesn't Know Diddly Squat About Football

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 7 December 2008

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This is Paris Hilton's home in Beverly Hills. It is an exact replica of the White House, but only bigger

BURBANK, California - Paris Hilton is known for doing pretty much nothing. The young lady has it made. She is good looking. She is rich. And she can smile and chew gum at the same time.

Paris recently appeared on Wyatt Van Cleve's sports show 'The World of Footballs, Baseballs, Basketballs, and Lots of Other Balls.'

The show is syndicated and appears on cable's 'Sporting Channel.' Van Cleve decided to test Paris Hilton's knowledge on football and football terms. Here is the interview:

WYATT: Hello Paris and welcome to the show.

PARIS: Hello to you and thank you for inviting me to your show.

WYATT: Paris, I understand that when you were in high school that you were a cheerleader.

PARIS: Yes, that's true. I was the head cheerleader actually.

WYATT: Wow, that is so appropriate. And Paris can you give us one of your high school cheers?

PARIS: Yes, I think I can remember one. It is my favorite and it went like this:

Two bits,
Four bits,
Six bits,
A dollar,
All for the Trojans,
Grab your crotch and holler.

I think that's the way it went.

WYATT: Wow, thank you Paris.

PARIS: Thank you. I'm still hot right?

WYATT: Yes indeed. You are still hot...oh and Paris my director just whispered in my ear piece that you need to close your legs a little bit because part of your biscuit is showing.

PARIS: My biscuit? What the heck is that?


PARIS: Oh, I am so embarrassed...I forgot that I was not wearing any panties.

WYATT: Hey Paris, don't worry about it. Let me just say this, 'P.H.', you are hot!'

PARIS: Thank you Mr. Van Cleve...I'm really sorry about my...biscuit.

WYATT: That's okay, all of us have seen biscuits before. Okay, moving on now. Paris I am now going to test your knowledge of American football.

PARIS: Okay.

WYATT: Paris, what is the 'end zone?'

PARIS: The 'end zone' is a brand of designer underwear that men wear underneath their jeans. I bought a dozen to give to my well-endowed boyfriend for Christmas.

WYATT: Okay, TMI. Now, Paris what exactly does a 'placekicker' do?

PARIS: Oh that's an easy one. The 'placekicker' is a rowdy person who trys to destroy a place, like a bar, or a club, or a place of some sort because he is mad and he has a rowdy personality, kind of like Danny Bonaduce, Sean Penn, or that stupid dick Andy Dick.

WYATT: Wow, Paris you're good.

PARIS: I know. I am hot right?

WYATT: Right. Absolutely right. And your next question is this. What is a 'cheap shot?'

PARIS: Gosh Mr. Van Cleve, these are so easy. A 'cheap shot' is an inexpensive generic mixed drink.

WYATT: And what is a 'goal post.'

PARIS: 'Goal post' is the official publication of the FNL.

WYATT: Ah, you mean NFL.

PARIS: Right. I sometimes tend to get a couple of letters mixed up there and here...Oops, I mean here and there. It's funny sometimes I refer to my IUD as my UID.

WYATT: Charming. And one final question for you Miss Paris Hilton. What is a 'quarterback?'

PARIS: Okay, now let me take a few moments so that I make sure that I get this straight. Okay, I got it, a 'quarterback' is the change you get when you pay with a dollar bill for 75 cents worth of something.

WYATT: Okay, well Paris let me tell you that it has been fun. And you are such a good sport.

PARIS: Mr. Van Cleve I think that you forgot that I was a head cheerleader. I was not a sport and especially not a good one.

WYATT: Right...thank you so much for correcting me Paris. And guys and gals please tune in next time, when my guest will be the 44-year-old governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. We will be talking about hockey, moose hunting, Charlie Gibson, having babies, and Russia.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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