Wolf Blitzer Interviews Mafia Boss Sal Goombalini

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 10 November 2008


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Wolf Blitzer Interviews Mafia Boss Sal Goombalini
Salvatore Goombalini was nicknamed 'The Pizzaman' by his grandmother Pepperonia da Stromboli

QUEENS, New York - The downsliding American economy has now even affected the 'Mafia' also known as the 'Mob' and 'La Cosa Nostra.'

CNN's Wolf Blitzer recently sat down at the Testa di Cavallo (Horse's Head) Ristorante in Queens with the head of New York City's 'Goombalini Family,' Salvatore 'The Pizzaman' Goombalini.

WB: Hello Mr. Goombalini and how are you sir?

SG: I'm a doin' good and you can call me Sal.

WB: Okay Sal, and you can call me Wolf.

SG: I'd rather call you Blitzer, that's like the reindeer right?

WB: Ah yeah, just like the reindeer. Now Sal I understand that so far this year your 'family' has lost about $30 million dollars.

SG: That's right Blitzer, and when we find the no good piece of week-old ravioli who stole the $30 mill he will definitely end up swimming with the fishes in the East River.

WB: And other than that little monetary setback how is business?

SG: Well you know Blitzer like any business we have good days and we have bad days. But so far this year with the economy being in the dumpster we have found ourselves struggling somewhat.

We have actually spent more money than was alloted to us from the home office boys back in Palermo, Sicily. So I have personally had to layoff some of my dedicated and devoted employees including loan sharks, money launderers, bookies, extortionists, racketeers, drug traffickers, drivers, enforcers, two hit men, a horse trainer, and 340 defense attorneys.

WB: Wow, that's a lot of employees. Tell me Sal will the Goombalini family be okay?

SG: Yeah, we'll be fine. It's just that this type of 'family operation' takes a lot of equipment, supplies, and material to run. And couple that with the tremendous increase in cost of certain Mafia related items such as cement, bullets, black Cadillacs, violin cases, and restaurant repairs and it is a bad situation.

WB: Speaking of restaurants, I heard that your 'organization' is considering closing some of the 'family-owned' eating establishments that have been around for a long time.

SG: That's right Blitzer. Right now the one restaurant that is making money is Chef Carlo's Chicken Cacciatore Cocina over in Brooklyn. And that's because on Saturday nights we still have our traditonal 'Topless Waitress Happy Hour' from 6 pm to midnight.

WB: Sal, I was there last Saturday night, and let me tell you that I was so captivated by our waitress Gina, that I did not even notice that the breadsticks were kind of on the moldy side.

SG: No, Blitzer, the breadsticks were not moldy. I am sure you are 100% mistaken...aren't you?

WB: Ahhhh, yes, you're absolutely right Mr. Goombalini sir. I meant to say that the breadsticks were the best breadsticks that I have ever eaten. And Mr. Goombalini, I have eaten breadsticks in restaurants from Argentina to Zimbabwe.

SG: That's exactly what I thought.

WB: Mr. Goombalini I heard on ESPN that you are considering selling the 'family's' interest in the minor league baseball team, the Coney Island Sardines.

SG: Yeah, Blitzer that's correct. You know last year the team went 80-0 and we won the State of New York Minor League Championship. But we just got to the point where it was taking up a lot of our time having to visit each one of the opposing players and ya know...just kind of talking to them...and making them aware of things of this nature and that nature. So we are currently in negotiations to sell the team to Miss Oprah Winfrey.

WB: Well Mr. Goombalini sir, it has been been a pleasure talking to you. And I want to thank you for picking up the tab. And let me say that the Musk Ox Alfredo smothered in Lowenbrau Picatta Florentine was positively delicious. I sincerely want to wish you and your 'family' the best.

SG: Thank you Blitzer, the pleasure was mine and give Campbell Brown a great big kiss from the 'Pizzaman.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more