Politicians Can Now Relax, Legally

Funny story written by Danasong

Saturday, 29 March 2008

Given the recent newsworthy sexual activities of James McGreevey, Eliot Spitzer, and David Paterson, politicians appear to have a great need for outlets for legal relaxation. There are some legal methods of working off excess job tension, a problem that seems especially relevant to today's political leaders.

Let's begin with the "Morning Senate Stretch" to wake up tired muscles and increase both physical flexibility and mental stamina. This ten minute morning stretch , televised on C-SPAN, allows would-be politicos to stretch their political muscle along with seasoned veterans.
For an afternoon break, there is "Yoga in Da House", akin to a seventh inning stretch in the House of Representatives. Representatives bring their own floor mats and twist themselves into various pretzel-like positions instead of twisting U.S. policies, an activity meant for the rest of the day.

All of the nation's politicians can join the 5:00 PM "Repeat After Me Mantra", on National Public Radio, reciting "I am not a criminal, I do everything my mother tells me, I am not a criminal, I do everything my mother tells me", until they themselves believe it.

Meditation is a wonderful relaxation tool that can best be accomplished during boring fund raising dinners and while one's opponent is speaking at a political debate. In order to meditate, make sure to concentrate on a calming or pleasant scene or phrase, like "Now I'm going to beat this fool", or envisioning you and your spouse redecorating the Lincoln bedroom, to your exact taste.

Journaling, or simply writing out feelings, is a great stress reliever. Just make sure that all written materials are shredded or burned when completed, just like at the office.

When really stressed, skip that important floor vote and go for a spa massage and manicure/pedicure. It should be no surprise when half the House shows up as well, wearing their fluffy red or blue spa bathrobes and slippers.

And finally, end the day with a "Rejuvenating Scented Bath". There is nothing like a hot, scented bath to relax away the day's troubles and melt those bipartisan blues. One can congratulate oneself on finishing the day happy and relaxed, facing neither jail time nor impeachment proceedings.

Political scandal in U.S. politics has become almost a daily event. Regular practice of any of the above relaxation methods will surely reduce political stress, increase vitality, and perhaps even lead to clear-headed solutions for Iraq. I would maintain a thousand yoga poses to see that happen.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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