The Jesus Diet Saves!

Funny story written by tzdan

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

image for The Jesus Diet Saves!
You too can possess taut, rippling arms capable of ripping an innocent lamb in two.

When was the last time you took a good look at your crucifix? What? You don't have a crucifix? What are you, some sort of Satanist, or Atheist, or philanthropist?

Well, regardless of what kind of godless heathen you are, you've seen at least one image of the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. And of course, you may have noticed a striking resemblance to a certain soldier who went Missing in Action. Does the name Colonel James Braddock ring a bell? Maybe Chuck Norris then?

The resemblance between the two action heroes is stunning, and it doesn't stop with the look of pious innocence, nor the ass-kicking beard. Check out the rippling biceps and the abs seemingly chiseled from granite, or some other equally solid New Testament mineral. That's right, just like Chuck, our man J.C. was carved from solid teak!

But before you get any crazy ideas about Chuck being the second coming of Christ (and believe me the nasty spin-kicks he dished out in The Octagon could definitely be considered supporting evidence), there is a simple and rational explanation for the uncanny resemblance - the Jesus Diet.

You see, Chuck wasn't always a strapping Adonis. Before he was jump-kicking terrorists through walls in The Delta Force, Chuck was just another flabby karate black belt. And then, one night, delirious and confused after having been beaten mercilessly about the head in his latest defeat, Chuck stumbled into a church, and there he found salvation. For it was there that he found and embraced the rippled athlete upon the cross, and then, everything changed.

From that point on, Chuck dedicated his life to emulating his Saviour in every aspect - mind, beard, and especially, diet - and he would soon possess the same rippling body as his Messiah. It was his Christ-like body that would rocket him into super-stardom, among modern legends like De Niro, Pacino, and Hasslehoff.

But while it doesn't receive the press of vogue diets like Atkins, South Beach, or the Nicole Ritchie Diet, the Jesus diet has been saving souls and waistlines for 2000 years.

And unlike those other fad diets, it actually works. Father John Hardy of the St. Mary's Catholic church in Cleveland can testify to that. "A while back I noticed myself getting a little soft around the middle," said the spry 64 year old. "So I looked to my savior and mentor for some divine guidance. I said 'Chuck how'd you get to be such a rippling slab of man-meat?' and Chuck imparted the wisdom of the Jesus Diet upon me. I've been following it for a few years now, and I feel great. And of course I owe it all to my guardian angel Chuck Norris...oh, and Jesus too. The thing is, the Jesus diet is so simple that anyone can do it. Really, who would have thought a diet of only loaves and fish could make you so healthy?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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