Exclusive interview with Senator Hillary Clinton

Funny story written by websmuggler

Thursday, 22 November 2007

image for Exclusive interview with Senator Hillary Clinton
Bill Clinton says "Be fair. If you were married to THIS, wouldn't Monica start looking good to you, too?"

Websmuggler.com has snagged the first interview with Senatorette Clinton since she announced her candidacy for President.

Do not believe what purport to be other interviews with Hillary in such sleazy rags as the New York Times or fly-by-night outlets like CBS. They are fakes. We've got the exclusive. Here and nowhere else will you find full coverage - dignified, professional and utterly devoid of bullshit - on the historic candidacy which could result in America's highest office being held for the first time by a woman {or to use the politically correct term, a Vagino-American}.

And may we just say: it's so cute the way the little lady thinks she could do a man-sized job like President, without crying, fainting, or getting the vapors. But it's official - the gal has troubled her pretty little head about politics enough to want to become the first Presidentess.

We don't know why Hillary has honored our website with this interview, but we suspect it's our support of feminism, so evident in the first two sentences of this paragraph. I'm being sarcastic here. Did you catch that?

So, here now the interview:

WEBSMUGGLER.COM: Good afternoon, Senator Cli...

HILLARY: That's MADAM PRESIDENT to you, you sexist right-wing wackjob!!!

W: But you're not yet...

H: You've got a real problem with strong women, don't you? I knew it.

W: No, It's just that...at least technically, you haven't been elected President yet.

H: So fucking what? Bush wasn't either - and where is he now?

W: He's the president.

H: Well, there you are! America is ready for a woman president, which means me, and anyone who disagrees is a sexist misogynist phallocentric McCarthyite!

W: "McCarthyite"?

A. That's a reference to the late Senator Joseph McCarthy, who...

W: I know who McCarthy was! He built a career on the idea that Communism is the accusation so serious, even innocence is no defense to it.

H: Right, except that's at least 50 years out of date. Today the equivalent accusation would be Sexism. That's as in: "Are you now or have you ever been a sexist?"

W: Well, I wasn't one until just now. So, fine, "Madam President", what are your...

H: Don't you dare put quotation marks around my title, you sexist swine!

W: Wow. You caught that? I'm impressed.

H: Good. And if you disrepect America's First Woman President like that once more, I'll declare you an Enemy Combatant and lock you up in Guantanamo 'til you rot.

W: Now THAT'S the kind of President I've grown used to in the last 6 years! So a Hillary administration won't be much of a change, after all. What will be the biggest issue of your presidency?

H: Ending the Iraq War, a war I have always opposed.

W: ALWAYS? In the Senate, you voted for this war!

H: Only a little. And then only because I thought Bush would be smarter about waging it.

W: And that "smarter" way to wage the war would be?

H: As with everything else, to do exactly what I say. I had the guaranteed sure-fire strategy for a quick victory in Iraq, with no American casualties, in only 3 easy steps: 1. Fire John Ashcroft as U.S. Attorney General. 2. Reappoint Janet Reno as U.S. Attorney General. 3. Tell Janet that Saddam replaced David Koresh as leader of the Branch Davidians. But would Bush listen? NOoooo! And look what a clusterfuck HIS way turned out to be!

W: Well, I'll give you that, at least. Given that the obsolete, sexist U.S. Constitution will force you to cool your heels in the Senate for another 14 months before assuming your rightful place in the Oval Office...

H: Now THAT'S excellent political correctness! Keep talking like that, and you'll spend a lot less time than expected in Re-education Camp.

W: Good. Now, what will you do as a Senator to deal with Bush's, ah, clusterfuck?

H: Easy. I'll tell Bush to pull out of Iraq. And I'm just the woman to do it, too. After all, who has as much experience as I do in telling a President to pull out?

W: Nobody.

H: Damn straight! It's something I've done countless times. My only miscalculation was in not telling a certain President to pull out about nine months before that little horse-faced skank Chelsea was born. Jeeeeez, what'd that ever get me? Only the biggest ass outside the elephant pen at the National Zoo, except MY ass is grayer and more wrinkled, that's what. I mean, look at it. Can you blame Big Bill for wanting to stick his Little Willie elsewhere?

W: Hmmmmmm. No.

H: Neither can I. But there are limits. The way my husband leads with his dick, he must think he's a Kennedy. Bill fucks around so much, I can't even be sure Chelsea is HIS!

W: HUH? That's just...well, never mind. What are some of your other plans for when you enter the presidency?

H: You mean when I RETURN to the presidency. There are various projects I started in my first two terms as President, from 1993-2001, which I was prevented from completing by the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. Chief among these was national health care. We can learn from other countries. Socialized medicine there has not only insured everyone, but considering its quality, has completely eliminated their overpopulation problem - along with about one-third of their population!

W: No doubt a total coincidence.

H: Perhaps, but I'm still determined to enact my health care plan, which consists of me and a few hundred other lawyers deciding how much all doctors will get paid.

W: And in the interest of fairness, you'll of course allow a commitee of doctors to decide how much all lawyers will get paid. Won't you?


W: Sorry, it won't happen again. What is your position on gay marriage?

H: I'm all for it. Why shouldn't gays have to suffer just as much as the rest of us?

W: What's your position on Roe vs. Wade?

H: I really don't care how the people from New Orleans get home.

W: And on the federal budget deficit?

H: I think I can fix it, no matter how much money it takes.

W: What's your opinion on the Intelligent Design/Evolution controversy?

H: I'm with President Bush on this one! As he said, we're depending on science to free us from our oil addiction by inventing new energy sources. And everyone knows there's no better way to produce the next generation of scientists, than to require all science classes to teach creationism!

W: Incredible...

H: Thank you! But because I'm a Democrat and therefore fair-minded, I'll also require all churches to teach Evolution.

W: It's safe to assume you're in full agreement with your fellow Democrats' plan to raise the minimum wage.

H: No.

W: NO?!?!

H: Because it's not enough! My own plan is to raise the minimum wage to $25,000 per hour. That way, after working only one 40-hour week, everyone in America will be a millionaire. So poverty will be eliminated forever!

W: I am...in awe. This leaves me wondering why no president has ever come up with such a brilliant yet elegantly simple solution to poverty before.

H: That's easy to explain. It's because we never had a woman president before.

W: Any concluding remarks, Senator, uh, I mean Madam President?

H: Just this: Many Americans say that as a woman, I've got a grand total of one qualification for public office, and I'm sitting on it. And they're right. But that's unimportant compared to my noble cause: that any woman should be automatically entitled to any office she wants, because women have suffered, so it's, um, like payback. Or something.

W: I agree, but I think the minimum age for a woman president should be 55, not 35 like the Constitution says now.

H: Why?

W: So we're sure she's menopausal. Would you want somebody who's going through PMS with her finger on the nuclear button? Now THAT'S a nightmare scenario!

H: I've about had my fill of your snide sexist comments, but I think I've figured out what's motivating them: male insecurity. So what's the matter, little boy? Do I threaten your masculinity?

W: No. Do I threaten yours?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Upon hearing this last question, Senator Clinton emitted a banshee-like shriek of about 205 decibels, assumed a facial expression best described as epileptic, and launched herself onto a trajectory toward our interviewer with a speed phenomenal for a woman her age.

Fortunately her campaign staffers, apparently anticipating just such an reaction, tackled her in mid-flight and pinned her down while one of them fired a tranquillizer dart into her neck.

Within seconds Hillary was blissfully asleep, and they carried her outside to a waiting limo. Her campaign manager James Carville then told our interviewer, "Hillary does that a lot. Try not to take it personally."

"I certainly don't" was the reply, and with that the interview apparently ended.]

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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