Im ticked!

Written by shawnia

Monday, 20 August 2007

image for Im ticked!

Hi all, yes we are here, moved to Missouri close to family, unpacked, tierd, and ready to get into the pool. But, Let me tell you what I'm not ready for.

I'm laying in bed night before last, and I feel a little sumpin sumpin on my right waistline. Is it a new mole, a skin tag, a zit, maybe Its a heat bump, (cause it has been 200 degrees since we got here) NO! ITS A TICK! ARGGGG!

Okay, stay calm, stay calm, Now I'm loosing my mind! Freaking out, totally skeeved out! What do I do? How do I get it out? I've heard you should burn their butt so they'll back out and the head don't stay in, a cigarette? A hot iron, a solder iron? A blow torch? What? And they're not that big, Wont I burn a hole in my flesh? Yowch!

But then I remember reading that if you touch its butt with something hot, it will vomit in you, filling you with all the juicy disgusting, revolting poisons.

Okay, think, I've heard you could smother them, put a glob of vicks, or vaseline, or lard on them, and they'll come out for air... except, ticks only breathe a few times an hour, I want it out of, and OFF of me NOW!

Is there any less worthwhile, More gross creatures on Gods green earth? I don't think so! Now my mind is racing, I'm gonna get Lymes, or tick fever, or tick bite paralysis of some kind, Or Rocky Mtn spotted fever, (I don't know what that is, but I'm sure I have it now) Okay, what would I do if the pet had a tick. That's it, I have to take myself to the vet and be put down. Put to sleep, the loooong nap. The lethal shotarooney for me! I'm ruined, tainted, damaged goods! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

So, before I go insane, I reached down and grabbed that little blood engorged sucker and Yoinked the uninvited invader off of me. (I'm still shuddering at the thought!)aaaaaaaaahhhh! Then I stomped the little ticklett carrying vile satanic creature of the underworld, (Found out your supposed to flush them not stomp them)

Now, for the past day and I half, I have felt little creepy crawly things that aren't there all over my body. I'm laying in bed last night scratching, cringing, slapping myself here and there, (Keith thinks I'm having seizures) and I'm worrying that there could be another incident. And what if, Oh God, what if it bites in the most sensitive place of all! I can't even think it!

So, I sprayed my new house down with raid, filled the sheets with front-line, Powdered the carpets, And I have a flea and tick collar on my neck and each ankle, (which are swollen by the way, probably due to rocky mountain spotted tic bite paralysis and the onset of of whatever horrible debilitating disease this little bas@#%d has spit into me!) The exterminator will be here Monday.... Oh, but don't worry about me cause Cousin Teri says Ill get used to it....

HA! I'm so ticked! LOL

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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