Bush Speech

Funny story written by Cal Jennings

Thursday, 26 April 2007

You are the one.
At last. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain. but You feel it. You've felt it your entire life.
There's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there,
Like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Do you want to know what IT is?
A New World Order
It is all around us. Even now in this very room.
You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television.
You can feel it when you go to work. When you go to church.
When you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo-what truth?

That you are a slave. Like everyone else you were born into bondage.
Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch.
A prison... for your mind.
Unfortunately, no one can be told what the order(matrix) is.
You have to see it for yourself.
(thunder) (pill box clasp sound)
This is your last chance.
After this there is no turning back.
You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
(Thunder)(Mysterious music)
Remember, all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more.
(Rock music)
The order (matrix) is everywhere.

I had a dream...
A dream that it was time for Bush's State of the Union address and he couldn't lie.
All of Bush's speech writers had gone hunting with Dick Cheney and had been shot.

Bush Speech

Hey Ameerica. How ya' doin'?
I know all of you here are good Ameericans.
You know what's RIGHT for this country. You support ME.
You support me in this war against the evildoers!
Some people say that with my new long hair and goatee, I look like Osama.
Well, I resemble that remark!
Some people have been asking me if I know what's good for Ameerica.
The liberal media has been trying to confuse you with such things as facts and scientific data.
They want us to fund Social Security like it's some kind of government program or sumpthin'.
The key for me is to keep expectations low.
and so, in my state of the, my state of the union, our state, my speech to the nation.
Whatever you wanna' call it. Speech to the nation. I'll address these issues.
I'm good. Good for Ameerica.
I know that human beings and fish can co-exist peacefully. (Cuckoo)
Rarely is the question asked, "Our, is our kids learning?"
No Child Left Behind. That was mine, remember? heh heh (Drum roll and cymbal crash)
They was learnin' things like the Constitushun and the Bill of Rights.
The Bill of Rights is Bad. Bad for Ameerica.
I done got rid of one of them rights. Help me get rid of the rest.
People and teachers has been abusin' their rights. They're EVILdoers.
You can't negotiate with these people. You can't hope to have a treaty with these people.
They're helpin' the terrerists.
They're makin' me look bad. REAL bad.
We need to take their rights away to keep Ameerica safe.
Safe from terrerists right here in Ameerica.
I can't beleive they call themselves citizens.
We need to lower the age at which juviniles can carry guns. (Gun Shot)
I need the support of all good Ameericans who support me.
Good Ameericans... like Tony Blair.
Remember. I'm the decider. I decide what's good for Ameerica. (Screaming Man)
I'm tryin' to keep Ameerica safe.
There's an old saying in Tennesee. I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennesee that says,
Fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Ya' fooled me can't get fooled agin.
We need to install cameras in bathrooms.
You never know when a terrerist is goin' to use one of them underwear bombs.
We need to drill for oil in Alasker to keep Ameerica safe from terrerist oil prices.
Terrerists never quit thinkin' of ways to harm Ameerica, and neither do I.
I know what's best for Ameerica.
We need an energy plan that focuses on consumption.
The more enengy we consume, the richer our corperations will be.
That's good. Good for Ameerica.
People oughta' be drivin SUVs and limosines everywhere they go.
Global warming helps fight the high cost of heating oil up North.
We oughta' do more to increase global warming.
If our oil companies get bigger profits, I do too.
I'm your leader. It's GOOD for me to get bigger profits.
THAT'S what's good for Ameerica.
As y'all know. My term is going to end in about a year, or sumpthin' like that.
At that time, there will be a new elekshun. I say it's too dangerus for Ameerica
Congrus needs to take unprecedented measures to protect our people and defend our homeland.
It's unsafe to change leaders in a time of war.
We need to call for Congrus to extend my term in office
indefin.. indefit... indefint... for a long time until Ameerica is safe agin.
Remember, Iran now has nucular weapons of mass destrucshun.
We need to build more nucular weapons here.
Ameerica need a military where our breast and brightest are proud to serve, and proud to stay.
We need our military folks to stay for a centur... to serve for, well, the rest of their lives.
Free nashuns don't attack each other. Free nations don't have weapons of mass destrucshun.
How can I keep Ameerica safe if I'm not in office?
It would be alot easier if America was a dictatorship... heh heh... as long as I'm the dictator.
There'll be more troops this time and better rules of engagement so that the Iraqi toops and our troops
working side by side will be able to go after the enemy in Ameerica.
What are ya'? Stupid?

Copyright © 2007 Cal Jennings

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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