BUSH-SPEAK, a Much Abridged Dictionary

Funny story written by Vince Williams

Sunday, 4 February 2007

THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION'S DICTIONARY is, by anyone's measure, a lexicon that adds a myriad of new definitions to our language. Over the past six years, our inference of the world of word-meanings has undergone a metamorphosis due quite literally to George W. Bush and his confederates. Naturally, in such a wholesale re-working of the language, we cannot expect to present a comprehensive list of words in the limited space below. However, we do suggest that when the George W. Bush library is constructed, there might be included volumes which assist us all in a better apprehension of this time in our nation's history. Note: "Apprehension" CAN mean, you know, just understanding, and need not always connote a suspicion or fear of future evil or a foreboding and consternation, dread, horror, panic, trepidation and/or an anxiety. Though the selection of the word here is not an accident.

Anyway, we DO NOT expect George Bush to add to HIS afore-mentioned library any AUTO-biographical material written SOLELY by himself. Although, we DO expect an "AUTO-biography" to be there, which provides us with our first definition among others we've included below.

AUTO-biography, n. a book written about my life, can be mostly by a ghost writer (which gets me off the hook), that reports stuff "authorized" by me after someone tells me what's in it. I don't care so much if it's mostly fiction as long as it sounds good and is presented as fact. Also, it can include many of the terms below.

AUGMENTATION, n. assisting others in their efforts. NOT an escalation. [Shhh... hope they don't look up Webster's definition ... we don't want them to find that it means "to make greater, more numerous, larger, or more intense.]

CRACKED EGG, n. what the Iraq war has become. An egg that is capable of being UNcracked. Newly coined term: "the Iraq crack attack".

"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED". phrase calculated to supply political points showing how SOLDIER I really am and how I've already won a war. A photo-op that can show "US" in a combat flight suit aboard an aircraft carrier.

WMD, n. what a hostile country has when we want to go to war with them. If there are other benefits such as access to oil, and multi-billion dollar profiteering opportunities for such corporations such as Halliburton, hey, we won't turn 'em down.

OIL, n. that which will pay for our waging the war in Iraq. (never mind that the price tag is now 1.2 TRILLION dollars and counting.) Ok, maybe it was one of our few mistakes.

CHEMICAL WEAPONS, n. in addition to "NUKE-YOU-LER" weapons, just the mention of these is always useful in striking even more fear in the entire country, AND galvanizing our base.

BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS, n. no-one likes to be sick.

SUCCESS, n. What we're fighting for; and please don't mention the over 3000 soldiers killed, over 20,000 wounded; and more than 34,000 Iraqis killed just last year, with a total Iraqi death toll of more than 600,000 men, women and children. Oops!

VICTORY, n. undefined; "We'll know it when we see it."

ECONOMIC BOOM, n. record territory for the stock market. Tax breaks for the wealthiest 2% of people in the land, and biggest corporations.

WINNING, transitive v. sponsoring an election in which 12 million Iraqi citizens (out of a national population of around 26 million) voted for putting in government that's on "borrowed time" led by a president who is on "borrowed time". After all, this is a DEMOCRACY since The United Iraqi Alliance, endorsed by Iraq's top Shiite clerics, captured more than two-thirds of the 3.3 million votes. This Alliance win sealed the Shiite majority's bid to claim power after centuries of domination by Sunni Arabs, including years of oppression by Saddam Hussein's Sunni-led regime. How do YOU spell "relief"? If this isn't DEMOCRACY, it doesn't exist.

GOD. n. the GUY who lives UP in heaven above the clouds, and who listens to me when I ask for things. Other words, opposite to "Devil".

EMBRYONIC STEM CELLS, n. pl. teensy tinesy people.

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND, a phrase representing a program wherein teachers can be paid more for teaching ALL students to pass the SAME test.

DEMOCRACY, n. system of government wherein our administration wields sufficient power to have our own way almost all of the time. System of voting in which, when there's a close election, a SUPREME COURT can decide the outcome (provided ONLY that the outcome can be favorable to those who are defining the term "DEMOCRACY".).

NEW WAY FORWARD, a phrase used to mystify as many people as possible, and to justify STAYING THE COURSE, I mean "The New Way Forward".

SACRIFICE, v. dying in Viet Nam, I mean IRAQ; and being stressed by watching news on television about the war.

SKEPTICISM, n. a word that sounds better than "OPPOSITION". "Thumpin'" can also be used here.

PESSIMISM, n. another word to use when others imply abject and/or total failures of our administration. Sounds better than "OPPOSITION".

AL QAEDA, n. the world-wide organization (made up of who knows how many criminals) that has the power to bring about Armageddon. The MAJOR cause of problems in Iraq (both now and prior to the war). The vast gang that perpetrated 9/11 and aims to do it again.

ADDITIONAL TROOPS, n. pl. A few more soldiers and marines to effect the "NEW WAY FORWARD" change in the prosecution of the war. Something to help John McCain have a better chance in his bid for the presidency.

INSURGENCY, n. a problem in Iraq; but it isn't "CIVIL WAR".

CIVIL WAR, n. all hell breaking loose with everybody fighting everybody else; not a reason to re-deploy, however.

PLAN B, n. something we don't have. Something we refuse to talk about. Something we didn't think we needed in invading Iraq in the first place.

REASONS TO GO TO WAR, a phrase to mean "If we can scare everyone into believing we will have another 9/11 if we DON'T do so", we can invade and wage war on anyone we want to.

IRAN, n. a country trying to develop NEWK-you-LER weapons of mass destruction.

I RAN, a biographical CONFESSION, something I did during the Viet Nam War. Something I have in common with Cheney.

OPTIMISTIC, adj. something to be sure to answer when asked, "How do you view the prospects for the outcome of our efforts in Iraq?"

VIOLENCE IN IRAQ, n. that which essentially began with the SAMARRA incident back in early 2005, "I mean 2006".

LIFE, n. something sacred as long as it isn't possessed by a criminal, an Iraqi, an al Qaeda member, a Taliban member, anyone deemed an enemy by the Administration, a detainee, someone with Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, or spinal cord injury, or the Casey Sheehans in the war.

DETAINEES, n. pl. DIRT with no rights whatsoever.

DEMOCRAT, n. "DIRT, but gave us a thumpin". ALSO USED as an ADJECTIVE as in "THE DEMOCRAT PARTY".

TORTURE, n. something to deny we're doing. Something that we don't want to get caught doing.

EXECUTION, n. a hanging that can decapitate the hangee.

TRUTH, n. whatever "WE" want it to be. Just a word. Something TO BE SURE TO CALL whatever we say.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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