Written by Neil Levine

Friday, 20 October 2006

image for Eliot Spitzer Gives Advice About Gambling
Eliot Spitzer Likes To Gamble

Saratoga Race Track, New York---In a one on one interview with "The Racing News" chief bookmaker, Harry The Horse Muddytracks, Eliot Spitzer has elucidated his approach to gambling.

"It isn't molecular chemistry, you know. Basically, you put your money down, take a deep breath, say a prayer, rub your lucky token and take your chances, being sure to act amazed when you win."

"I particularly like the way the odds are stacked for the house. It makes me feel all warm inside when I see big winners winning and losing and small losers playing their hunches that they might have a good day but losing anyway. There is something gratifying about taking a chance with luck."

"One armed bandits have a special appeal. How else can a worthless machine make money? Video slots are even better. Pour your money down into the coin drain, pull the lever and, bingo, you might win but if you don't you can bang on the window and there's always tomorrow if you have any cash left."

"The horses are even bettors. Walk slowly up to the window. Pick a jockey or a post position you like and you're a winner, when the announcer calls ?em your way. If he doesn't, just reconfigure your figures and figure out a winner. That's how I figure it. It's pretty simple to add things up. But if you don't like the odds, we can run them through a calculator and adjust them more in your favor. We can keep adjusting until you like the odds. That's the spin I'm putting on the roulette wheel. Place a bet. Take your chances. Perhaps that's why they call racing the sport of Kings."

"Then there's cards and dice. You've got to know who you're dealing with. You don't have to palm any cards or shuffle the deck or have an ace up your sleeve, but I prefer blowing on my dice. A trick I learned in the school of hard knocks. I also learned how to really roll the dice by getting a grip on myself. It also helps to shake, rattle and roll. Lucky seven eleven. Today is your big day. You've hit the trifecta and the daily double."

"Don't forget. Racing is the sport of kings. Bet often and bet on a big horse . Vote to fill your pocket book with pelf. . Vote today. See you at the track."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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