I Think I Might Be Addicted To Food

Funny story written by John Butler

Sunday, 10 July 2005

image for I Think I Might Be Addicted To Food
Pasta is just one of the many deadly addictive types of food

It's the hardest thing in the world to admit to an addiction but, after much anguished deliberation, I feel as though it's time I came clean. I've been hiding this terrible secret for far too long. For you see, as long as I can remember now, I've had a deperate dependency on food, to the the extent that I sometimes eat up to 3 - 4 full meals a day. My situation has become hopeless, I cannot live without food now. This is not a plea for help, it's a statement of bleak resignation. There's nothing I can do about this hideous condition.

My compulsion to eat knows no bounds. I can rarely go any more than 8 hours without eating something... anything but I usually only last about 5. It's horrible. After every meal, I promise myself, "Okay John, that was the last time" but a matter of hours later, I start hearing this weird grumbling in my stomach (probably just my imagination playing tricks) begging me to consume yet more food. I suppose you could compare it to how smokers's hands begin to tremble whenever they start to crave another cigarette. It's an overwhelming or should I say underwhelming feeling of impotence - the lure of food renders resistance futile.

Every day is an ordeal. I wake up in the morning and immediately feel the need for a quick food hit. I can't help it. The "grumbling" is unbearable. I usually try to hold off 'til about 11am but it's no use, the longer I leave it, the worse the craving becomes. It's like something eating away inside of me. You might say it's an itch that you cannot help but vigorously scratch.

Food is the bane of my life. My house is full of the stuff. I even have still special contraption I like to call a "fridge" that keeps the food cool thereby making it last longer. I shamelessly do everything in my power to ensure I have some item of food at hand at all times. The house feels "empty" without food in it.

Let this be a warning to anyone who has ever considered eating food. Think before you open your mouths. Let me stress to you that THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE. I feel as if my life revolves around food consumption. I even have designated times of the day when I like to eat plus I've invented silly words like "dinner" and "supper" to describe these intervals. My compulsion has become so "normalised" it has become almost "routine".

I think something should be done to raise awareness about food addiction. Perhaps a rock concert or something like that featuring commercially successful artists. It's the least they could do. I know I'm not the only person who suffers in this miserable way. I've witnessed countless friends, family members fall foul of food addiction. I walk down the street everyday and see people stuffing their faces with evil. Something must be done.

In my view the government's continued legalisation of food is the main root of the problem. Food is so widely available now, it's hard to avoid. Hapless addicts such as myself keep up the demand so food growers or "farmers" carry on producing it. It's a vicious cycle that I believe the government, through sweeping regulatory reforms, could easily eradicate. But that of course won't happen because production of food creates wealth and, in this day and age, money is more important than welfare of the public.

Don't let what has happened me happen to you. If you see an establishment displaying or purporting to "sell" such food, walk right past without so much as blinking an eye. It will be the most sensible thing you have ever done.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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