Lester M. Crawford, DVM, Calling the Shots on New FDA Rules

Written by Chief Cheese

Friday, 6 May 2005

image for Lester M. Crawford, DVM, Calling the Shots on New FDA Rules
Dr. Lester Crawford, DVM

New York. The Food and Drug Administration is about to implement new rules stating that any man that has willingly registered and/or voted Democratic within the last twenty years will no longer be accepted as an anonymous sperm donor. Each potential donor will be given a short questionnaire and an unused pencil to fill out the form.

The FDA has staunchly rejected calls by Democrats in Congress to scrap the provision. The same Democrats insist that a man's political affiliation has nothing to do whatsoever with the quality of the contribution. The acting head of the FDA, Dr. Lester M. Crawford, DVM, disagrees. "Statistics show that a man who is a registered democrat will be more genetically predisposed to beget democratic children. That's the kind of thing we don't need in this country. That is my mandate, people; ask your President if you don't like it."

When questioned on the subject early Friday morning, Mr. Bush agreed with Dr. Crawford. "Doc Crawford is right on the money on this one. His name reminds me of my little western White House, too. And I will say this for the record: I don't believe that the U.S. Government should be subsidizing...well...a bunch of democrats out there whacking the warlock, you know? Scrubbing the mushroom, OK? Are you reading me?"

Dr. Crawford's meteoric rise to power in Washington came about (evidently) because of his affiliation with the Bush family in Texas. He is said to have been at the ranch for a big Bar-b-que when the President tried to give a stallion a hand-job, and as the family Vet, prevented what could have been a tragedy. The story was made light-of last Saturday night while Mrs. Bush roasted Mr. Bush during the White House Correspondents Association dinner.
"One thing about George that makes me laugh, and there are many," said Mrs. Bush, "is that he appointed a Vet as head of the FDA."

The news (on the impending rule changes) comes as quite a shock to the 100,000 members of the League of Democratic Sperm Donors. Dr. Hans Haarig is the President of the League. "Many of our members are just starting out in their lives and careers and need some extra walking around money; conversely, some need it just to pay the rent. This is incredibly unfair! Can you hold on a second? I need to put the phone down."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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