New miracle medicines revealed

Written by Frank Cotolo

Wednesday, 2 June 2004


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Medicines in early lab stages

Once there wasn't even a drug to take away the pain of surgery. Today there are drugs that keep people on their feet even when their feet are ridden with severe Cyocosis and their toenails grow inside out.

Scientists say that if the progress of medicine continues at the rate it is going now, the life-expectancy of a human being will be 234 by the year 2989. But that is just an estimation.

What has happened in the last 30 years in medicine progress has out-performed what has happened in the 130 years before that, not counting the discovery of surgical gloves.

I talked with Dr. Mycon Fernando, an expert in modern medicine and the first doctor to ever suggest air conditioning in an operating room. He is also renowned for being the first amateur surgeon to perform an apocomacadectamy (removal of a nostril) on himself. Dr. Fernando shared with me some remarkable new medicines that will be available to the public soon. Here are, exclusively, some of those remarkable products.

Zyclomar -- Chronic headaches can cause excessive shouting, especially when a child is present. With this new medicine, the normal stress headache is reduced to a slow and pleasant pounding that can also act as a metronome for musicians. One tablet a day is all that is needed. Side effects include runny nose, backaches, liver enlargement, pink eye, coughing and mild nausea that is annoying enough to reduce one's desire to ride a unicycle.

Domonadine -- Kidney stones are a common occurance but with this medicine, taken twice in the morning with olive oil, stones dissolve into dust that is released without pain. In cases where a stone is larger than a golf ball or has edges that resemble a starfish, dust particles can be released by shaking the head mildly, then rapidly, then mildly again. This could cause headaches, which could be controlled with the previous drug mentioned. Side effects include enlarged lips, burning of the eyebrows, twitches and the urge to swim with a rack of lamb strapped to your back.

Estacuraphane -- The throat can develop small modules often called Rubalonias. They are harmless except when singing in any other key but F. This medicine assures the modules will only grow in a shape not unlike the state of Utah, thus leaving ample space to swallow chunky food. Side effects include fever, nosebleeds, constipation, lack of hunger, sex drive and the strength to move a wheelbarrow.

Syntrax -- Heart attacks kill thousands each year but heart disease has met its match with this medicine. Taken at the first sign of chest pain, this miracle medicine keeps the heart pumping regularly. It is so potent that if taken during what could be a fatal attack, the person would still be able to pole vault. Side effects include tunnel vision, fear of women police, hair loss, toe loss, fingernail biting and the inability to enjoy a Charlton Heston movie.

Hastamine -- The thyroid gland has long been a mysterious acting part of every body. In fact, three cases reported in 1956 demonstrated that under certain conditions the thyroid gland developed its own legs and walked out of the body, causing severe damage of the skin and various organs. When a thyroid becomes swollen a person can experience dire conditions, not unlike that of a cat with a tail trapped in the spokes of a bicycle. This medicine forces the thyroid to stay slim and functional even when inside the body of a trapeze artist. The medicine not only sooths the thyroid, it spells it differently. Under the medicine's control, the thyroid becomes the tyrade and in some cases can keep the body alive as long as 56 hours after a heart has stopped beating. Side effects include indigestion, congestion, nausea at the drop of a hat, dizzy spells when listening to high notes on a trumpet, excessive smoking, dry mouth, dry skin, dry eyes, the feeling that one is at least 10 years older, discoloration of the hair, growth of a moustache on odd parts of the body, unnecessary bank withdrawals and the belief that one can bend their legs in the opposite direction.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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