Revealed: Books That Currupt Children

Funny story written by P J Chandler

Friday, 28 May 2004

After many months of sometimes tedious, sometimes dangerous research, I can exclusively reveal that there is a highly organised group of powerful people who devote their careers to the corruption of young children.

They have been practising their foul and despicable trade right under our noses for many years, passing off their vile products under the guise of 'education' and 'entertainment'. Their success is evident by the presence of at least one and often several of their publications in almost every home in the country where children live.

I think it is time they were stopped.

The products in question are issued under several different individual's names, but there is one that recurred so frequently in my investigation that I strongly suspect her (for she is indeed a woman) of being a ringleader.

Without fear of litigation, I shall state that she goes under the name of Beatrix Potter. Remember that name and let it fill your heart with horror.

If you are a parent, you may have read several of her stories to your children already. They feature such characters as 'Mrs Tiggywinkle' and 'Jemima Puddleduck' which are (I hope you have a strong stomach) animals dressed in human clothing. Yes, anthropomorphism is being promoted on our very streets, filling innocent infants' heads with absurd notions about nature and turning the most susceptible of them into vegetarians, and, in extreme cases, vegans.

Beatrix Potter and her evil accomplices have persuaded millions of otherwise intelligent children that rabbits wear frilly frocks, have only one or two offspring who regularly attend school and have impeccable table manners, while Mother Rabbit regularly shops at the local grocery store when she is not busy sweeping their semi-detached warren.

In truth, rabbits are of course naked but for a fur coat, reproduce at an alarming rate and have an unlimited appetite for one's carefully grown garden produce.

Potter and co. insist that bears are small and cuddly and like nothing better than sitting around their fireplace knitting socks. They appear to live on porridge and never harm a living thing. They do not even have claws. Foxes, far from being professional killers capable of mass murder on a whim, are universally cute with only the occasional venture into mischief-making, none of which involves actual violence.

In short, this band of heartless propagandists are clearly bent on filling the minds of our children with such grossly distorted images of the world around them that they can hardly fail to become difficult to feed. They refuse their boiled egg in case it was the unborn baby of 'Mrs Chicken', who at that moment may be scouring the hedgerows for her missing ovum. Bacon sandwiches are spurned on the grounds that the contents may have once belonged to 'Daddy Pig', whose orphans are in imminent danger of eviction by their wicked landlord, 'Mr Badger'.

The time has come for action to break the wicked ring of cynical exploitation that condemns once healthy children to lives of culinary deprivation and social ostracism. Without our intervention, these young lives could be blighted by an unending succession of nut roasts, lentil bakes and slices of polystyrene packaging masquerading as 'rice cakes'.

I urge parents to examine carefully all books in their possession and to burn those containing pictures of animals dressing or behaving like people. Write to your MP and ask him to raise the matter in the House of Commons. Ask bookshop owners to stop selling these obscene publications.

Our children's future depends on it.

P J Chandler

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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