Glasgow Job-Centre Releases Mothballed Unemployment Plan

Funny story written by alex palamedes

Thursday, 8 April 2004


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Aye, wot the fuck, the jobcentre's making me go on this course thing in a couple of weeks and they can make you go to these detention centres like refugees so i did a bit a research to see if i can maybe sign on in some other country, start off from month 1 so i get 18 months sweet fa before they make us go on a new deal, coz what you get here is pretty shite like, just about 100 pound every two weeks plus your housing benefit. i quite like they arab girls so i thought maybe i could go and sign on in arabstania. i did a bit of research on the internet. i couldny find nothing for arab sex so i got a bit more serious and i looked up sharia law coz i heard these two students talking about it and one of them was saying it was meaning the path to the watering hole by the way, and that's no bad is it?

'hadd offences carry specific penalties, set by the koran and by the prophet mohammed. these include unlawful sexual intercourse (outside marriage); false accusation of unlawful intercourse; the drinking of alcohol; theft; and highway robbery. sexual offences carry a penalty of stoning to death or flogging while theft is punished with cutting off a hand.'

well i got a bit feart after reading that coz i quite like eh..being by myself sometimes, you know? they fucking students were onto something though, but i couldny get my head round it, i mean i quite like relaxing to lezzie pornos and then i'm gonnie get a shag and a swallie out of it as the tax? that's no bad but i don't like that s&m thing and no one cuts me up right? but turns out the down side's only for the lassies, coz:

'last year, a teenage single mother was given 100 lashes for adultery, even though she argued she was raped by three men. the court said bariya ibrahim magazu could not prove that the men forced her to have sex.'

and then i found out they're gonnie stone this other lassie for adultery, but only after she weans her kid like. that's perfect! no mother and child maintenance coming out of my giro! so far so fucking good. they arabs can punish me for a hadd offence anytime, as long as its with schoolgirls or something and not old fucking spinsters by the way. dynamite! just take me to the sharia and then it's gonna be ‘terrorists, attack!' every fucking night!

so how about iraq like? then i found out this bastard rumsfeld who rules america only goes and says:
"if you're suggesting, how would we feel about an iranian-type government with a few clerics running everything in the country, the answer is: that isn't going to happen."

that's no very multicultural by the way is it? i like my wee sharia. there's me thinking he's momentarily dropping the mythologising egalitarianism and relativist mask of the civilisation in command when all the fucking others like bush and powell are like: "the form and leadership of that government is for the iraqi people to choose," and, "why can an islamic form of government that has as its basis the faith of islam not be democratic?"

aye, but then i get it. it's a wee bit good cop bad cop like. they didnae want they stupid arabs to think ‘oh fucking usa wants us to have sharia so they can come over here and fuck our birds, we better have eh human rights and a liberal constitution instead.' no, the pentagon is like oh we'll give them mixed messages like ‘ye can ye can't' then they'll just go and do it off their own bat. genius by the way. reminds me of 1920 when lloyd george supported the caliphate in turkey instead of the modernizer kemal ataturk so the welsh bastard could still get his special discount in the brothels of istanbul. that's why sharia's a good thing. it's not for them like it's for us coz they arabs don't wank off coz it's against their religion. i don't want they arabs to become a bunch of post modern atheistical capitalists like us. no man, you go back to your history books and dig out your sharia, keep yourself nice and backward while i wank off and and you gimme your birds as my wee penalty. right, now to sell some tammies and get my air ticket and say arrivaderchi to the date.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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