Would you like boobs with that?

Funny story written by Steve Shaw

Wednesday, 7 January 2004


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Okay now, things are getting a little out of hand. Today as I walk through department stores and see all the trendy fashions, one thing sticks out to me more than anything—boobs are becoming more and more visible, but less and less accessible.

What do I mean? Simply that women are confusing the hell out of me! Why, for heaven’s sake, would you parade your scrumptious breasts in front of me with no more than ten square inches of fabric between them and the outside world and still expect me to behave like a perfect gentleman? Nay, HOW could I possibly do this? Explain to me, please.

And on top of all of that, it’s still wintertime! This is the time of the year when girls are supposed to tuck away their fun bags for hibernation or something like that, and yet that hasn’t happened. How bad will it get when summer approaches and the sun comes out? God, please, please give me the strength!!

The male population will understand my plight most certainly. How many times have you met a woman with beautiful boobs wearing certainly scanty clothing and you just wanted to reach out and touch somebody? Or drop a casual hint about the aesthetic qualities of her anatomy? This has happened to me countless times, my friends, countless times, as I’m sure it's happened to you.

So my question is why have we adopted this “I’m-barely-wearing-any-clothing-yet-look-at-or-say-anything-about-my-bodacious-boobs-and-I’ll-call-you-a-pervert” policy? Can’t something be done to change this?

What if I walked around with my wang out of my pants with nothing but a touch of fabric to cover a few parts of it? And then, when you decided to comment on it or I caught you looking at it, I would slap you in the face and call you a disgusting pervert? Is that situation really all that different from the current one? I think not. Of course, I would be arrested for doing this...

What kind of solution could we possibly have for this terrible double standard? Well, for starters, we could take equal rights for women one step further and force them to take off those terribly constricting and uncomfortable bikini tops at the beach. I’m all for that, let me tell you. I empower you, sisters! I’m sure that after seeing boobs constantly for about four or five months, all the hubbub about them would calm down, surely.

Men, how many times have you told a woman that her boobs are beautiful looking, only to receive a torrent of wrath like no other, including lawsuits? The question to women I ask is: why the hell are you parading them in front of me if you don’t want my freaking opinion on them? Damnit, I’m only a man! I have limits! I'm not superman and I'm not gay, so don’t expect me to act like I am!!

In closing, let me just say that I don’t really have a problem with women wearing these skimpy, breast-revealing clothes, just the fact that women are so sensitive to comments about them. Why can’t we just find a happy medium, where men everywhere can enjoy boobs and women just don’t care anymore? I feel that if we, as the human race, work at this, we can do it—we can make the world a better place.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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