I am Totally Drunk Right Now.

Funny story written by Johnny Moodis

Saturday, 6 December 2003

image for I am Totally Drunk Right Now.
If Mr. T can beat cancer, he can beat your ass in a hot second.

Yes, I had a sort of bad day so I came home and enjoyed some wine in a box and it rocks and I like to rhyme but I don't have the time and tequila goes good with lime but the store is fresh out so my aunt has gout but little does she pout as I write about how drunk I am and I can still spell great because that's my job come Tuesday.

It snowed hard today, and I hate snow like Michael Jackson hates scrutiny. Two years from now, we either move to a place with no snow at all or I end up in a mental institution. Either way, I get fed well.

Then we put up the Christmas tree, and I kept falling against the wall. I'm not religious in the slightest, I don't understand how someone can read a story about a woman turning to salt and accept that as the truth of the universe, but whatever's clever.

Now my fiancée is asleep on the couch, and I just downloaded a bunch of Rush tunes because they rock in that way that you couldn't admit. Today's Tom Sawyer is Closer to the Heart in the Limelight as we Fly by Night and I will choose Free Will. ROCK! And now I'm trying to teach myself the words to "Blackbird" by The Beatles because I'm not a bad singer I must say.

I thought that when Richard Pryor finally dies I'll actually be quite upset. He basically started everything that was funny about being funny. Bill Cosby can rot in hell for all I care, Pryor took risks and changed the landscape of comedy for the better. In his excellent words, if you get your ass kicked, you know you made it.

And I actually changed my college major from film to journalism after reading "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" by Hunter S. Thompson. I finished that book and said to myself, "This is what you need to do." And I'm still looking forward to that.

Speaking of which, Johnny Depp is the most underrated actor in the history of cinema. The guy is just excellent in every single thing he does, and that's not even debatable.

Yeah, Rush is great, but that Geddy Lee is one ugly bastard.

We got these new cell phones with cameras in them. Yeah, they're cool, I love how the rings sound like slot machines, but what the hell am I taking pictures of?

OK, I guess I'm done here. In closing, The Spoof is great, I'm not a limey but I like your humor and how you spell humor with a "u", and if I made just one person laugh here then I'm happy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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