Product Recall: FIALFA COUPE (2.0 TURBO PLUS )

Funny story written by O Wilkinson

Wednesday, 2 July 2003

It has come to our attention that the above model may be slightly unreliable, and not function as intended when we drew up the plans one sunny Italian day during a wine-soaked 4 hour lunch.

Occupants are in no way at risk, but as a precaution, your car should NOT be driven. FIALFA SA and their agents are not responsible for death, serious injury or other minor inconveniences caused in the unlikely eventuality of malfunction. The susceptible features are as follows:

  • Bum warmer – this has been known to short circuit, and we believe may pose a minimal risk of electric shock to the knackers. This is no cause for concern - we are not recalling the above model due to a long list of eye-watering and tragically unfortunate accidents - but you should not even contemplate turning it on unless you understand the word eunuch.
  • Transmission – in keeping with the long Italian blood-line of these sports cars that we can trace back past two World Wars, your Coupe is equipped with 18 reverse gears (Surrenda-shift TM), and also includes 5 forward speeds for the UK market. Miraculously, this all seems to work pretty well at the time of writing – so we’ll be sure to save a few quid next time we design one.
  • Lipstick holder – this feature will be retro-fitted with a limiter to ensure that your favourite lippy does not blind you when you press the pink button. The dispenser is not affected by this fault on models with diesel engines (Brembo in our native tongue). The diesel models can be easily distinguished by visible red brake callipers and a spoiler the size of a Forestry Commission picnic bench.
  • Vanity mirror – this sub-component is not actually faulty, as you Englishe pig dogs so rudely claimed. We can confirm that it is the full 30 by 20 cm, and any dissatisfaction you may have with your appearance is due to inherent ugliness of your pale-skinned race. Sorry, but it’s not our fault if you all look like you’ve been ram-raiding on scooters.
  • Fluffy dice – these were not available at time of manufacture, and will be retro-fitted along with all other modifications. As per the original specification, however, they are not suitable for children under 22 as we have much slacker laws on putting sharp bits of glass and rusty wire inside toys than you Brits.
  • Onboard Navigation System - Your user-friendly Navi-mapä system (V2.2) is to be upgraded (free of charge) to include the following invaluable features: wipe clean cover, an A-Z index, page numbers, one of those ‘distance between cities’ tables and a whole array of useless blue symbols to indicate pitch & putt minigolf, duck ponds and restored barns. This free software update is to compensate you for any inconvenience caused, but to be honest, you should congratulate yourself that you are still in the land of the living.
  • Squeaks and Rattles – when our test technician drove this model with the stereo on full, he heard nothing untoward. Bring it back next time you hear it and we’ll do the same again. If after ten visits you’ve still not got the picture, we’ll loosen more components until you leave us alone.

Happy motoring!

Quatro Stagioni,

(Internalia referencia: appologia pour dangerosa voitura di Penelope Pitstop Coupé #9)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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