Crystal Harris Slams Hefner's Sexual Prowess, Hefner Responds with a Wink and a Nod

Written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 27 July 2011


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During Crystal Harris's recent appearance on the Howard Stern Show, the former playmate and soft porn mogul girlfriend spoke openly about her former 85 year old boyfriend and his proclivity for rapid response to stimulation.

"He lasted two seconds", claimed Harris during the interview, in what appeared to be an attempt to build sympathy for the recent separation from her octogenarian lover. Hefner, a shrewd businessman with a winning track record in closing deals both professional and personal, could not be reached for comment but was seen on the streets near his home providing a wink, a nod and a "thumbs up" as reporters rushed his car.

"She sounds a bit like another jilted lover, tossed off the Hefner gravy train", says personal Hefner aide, Haywood Jablome. "Crystal should have appreciated Hefner's gravy, perhaps just a little bit more".

Right wing religious conservatives were quick to make the story another featured topic at weekly church services and prayer meetings, using it as proof of the upcoming Armageddon. "What has the world come to, where an 85 year old man can still have unholy sex with a twenty something year old woman?" Asked Emma Frijidston from the Holy Cave Church in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Fred Frijidston, 79 was seen hiding an apparent smile and jabbing an elbow into the rib cage of a fellow male parishioner at the same time.

Most entertainment industry analysts believe the Harris story will last the traditional fifteen minutes, though Hefner's longevity is expected to prevail in the end. "All he needs is a new prescription for little blue pills, and a fresh one picked from the pages of his magazine", says Entertainment Weekend reporter, Mitch Martin. "Two seconds? Whatever. At 85 if the man can still pop a cork, its all good".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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