Paris Hilton Reveals Shocking Beauty Secrets!

Written by Morgan Truce

Friday, 11 November 2005

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HOLLYWOOD (AP) After months of negotiations with various publications, Paris Hilton finally agreed to reveal a list of beauty secrets to Spoof reporter Craven Morehead. "I feel a special kinship with Mr. Morehead and am very comfortable in sharing some of my most closely held secrets with him," said Paris Hilton.

"That's very kind of you Paris," relied Craven Morehead. "I sense you know exactly what it is I am after… so let's begin!"

CM: "Over the years you've hinted in several interviews that you hardly ever use any ordinary cosmetics. Could you tell me what you do use, Paris?"

PH: "Well, I use mostly things that are found in many kitchens. I like to rub olive oil on my legs… if I didn't use at least a cup of olive oil a day, my knees in particular would get very chafed."

CM: "That's very interesting Miss Hilton. As a matter of fact, I appreciate women who have supple knees. That's a great tip. Tell us some more."

PH: "I wash my hair with lemonade - all of it. I find that the fragrance of freshly squeezed lemons drives most men quite wild. Well, just look at you Craven Morehead --- I see you're starting to squirm around now. Are you OK?"

CM: "Yes! I'm just fine, but I suddenly have a strong craving for some uh, lemonade. I'll send out for some."

PH: "Perhaps your Spoof readers would like to know about my facial cosmetics. I use a little tomato puree on my cheeks to give them that rosy youthful look. I spend a lot of time working on my eyes. I had deep blue cornea transplants. I hate fooling around with mascara… I found that the best stuff to use instead of mascara is what you find inside the tailpipe of a car. It's nice and black and you never run out."

CM: "Paris, we sure are learning about a side of you we never knew. We had no idea you were so frugal."

PH: "I am very frugal as far as wasting money on cosmetics. Well Craven, we're going to have to wrap this thing up… it's time for my hourly eye-brow tweezing. I keep a specially trained gerbil for that job. He's very sweet. Would you like to watch?"

CM: "I'm very curious!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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