Written by Jalapenoman

Saturday, 15 October 2005

image for Mary-Kate Olsen to Drop out of College
The Olsen twins show off their new wardrobe as cat burglars.

Mary-Kate Olsen has chosen to drop out of NYU to pursue a new career. The Olsen twin plans to become a cat burglar. "I watched an old movie on cable (Turner Classic Movies) the other night with Cary Grant and he was so cool. "To Catch a Thief" was the title and he got to wear these really cool black clothes and climb on roofs and have these beautiful jewels and he got the girl in the end. He was really hot."

When asked if her sister was also dropping out to join her, Mary-Kate said that Ashley was staying in school. "She's taking marketing classes and some economics and stuff so that she can become my fence. She did, however, get a black cat burglar outfit that matches with mine and we look so cool together. We think that black cat burglar clothes will be our next line because they make you look so sexy and really add emphasis to your assets, if you know what I mean."

When asked why the Olsen twins would reveal that they plan to become burglars, Mary-Kate responded by saying that "I don't plan to get caught or go to jail or anything. I mean, everyone knew that Cary Grant was a thief, but they never actually caught him either. Besides, I'm a lot smaller and cuter and younger and I can get into places that he couldn't."

"We also have a lot of things in common. We're both really hot. We're both actors. We both have interesting ways of talking (he has an accent and I can sound really sexy). We both look good in black. He had four letters in his first name and five in his last, and I have four letters in both of my first names and five in my last."

When told that Grant's real name was Archibald Leech and that her number of letters analogy would not work, Olsen said "Leech! Ewwwww!"

We also asked Mary-Kate if she would reveal her first intended target. "I really love Starbucks and get tired of having to pay for my expresso. I think I might break in to my favorite one near NYU and make me one and not even leave a tip and put extra whipped cream in it for free."

Officials at Starbucks were not opposed to the plan. A company spokesman said on conditions of anonymity that "If one of the twins wants to break in and steal one of our coffees, she would be more than welcome. We would like, however, to have her walk through it with our photographers first so that we could make sure the lighting was right. Afterwards, we'd like her to sign and agreement allowing us to use the footage in our marketing. This is presuming, of course, that she is wearing that hot little black outfit in your picture."

When asked what other businesses she planned to rob, Olsen said that she was unsure at this time, but would get back with us after she picked up a new black bra and panties to complete her outfit. "White under black looks so gross, don't you think!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Movies, college

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