Written by queen mudder

Sunday, 18 September 2005

image for Opus Dei: "MMR vaccine causes homosexuality"

Vatican City, Thursday 10 March (Rioters) - Startling new evidence from the Pontifical College of Creation Sciences has been published in Rome today which claims a direct causative link between the much derided Measles, Mumps and Myrobella - 'MMR' - triple vaccine and the 'soaring rates of homosexuality' in the world today. The research document was unveiled today in a flurry of excitement from the College of Cardinals who hailed the breakthrough as 'seminal'.

In a televised address from Rome's Gemelli Hospital today, Papal expert on all things scientific Cardinal Ratzinger explained that lengthy trials of single vaccine doses had proved unequivocally that no babies turned gay after receiving the single dose jabs. And that most had actually had their heterosexuality strengthened as a direct result of this immunization campaign , "unlike the triple dose MMR injections which have made many children turn homosexual overnight and caused havoc among religious parents of all creeds and races".

"The problem is particularly bad in the Anglican Church", continued Ratzinger, "where use of the triple vaccine has also caused these homosexuals to experience religious visions and vocations leading to a mass onslaught on Protestant seminaries.

"Fortunately for humanity, His Holiness has approved the use of a ground-breaking antigen that actually reverses the damaged caused by the triple jab.

"Although not yet authorised by the World Health Organisation, this homosexuality-neutraliser is expected to be extremely popular among distraught parents of gayness-infected children and is available at Sunday Mass to all believers participating in Holy Communion."

Recent trials of the Papal antigen, claimed the Cardinal, also showed that it "washes away the sins of the world", particularly among repentant money-launderers associated with the P2 Lodge and the mysterious death of "God's Banker" Roberto Calvi, whose murder trial resumes in Rome shortly.

The announcement was immediately picked up by the Italian Stock Exchange where shares in John Paul 2's internet-based medical laboratories company, JP2@aintgottaprayer.com, which holds the patents on the revolutionary antigen, soared to an all time high.

"It's the wonder drug we've all been waiting for", said a spokesperson for the Gelli family, whose scion Licio is currently awaiting resumption of the Rome trial.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Vatican, college

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
76 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more