Chris Brown's New iPhone App Streams Music, Measures Punching Power

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Thursday, 31 March 2011


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Rihanna's meat target.

Now-C-list R&B singer Chris Brown --made famous by his platinum-selling self-titled album and for beating the sh-t out of his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna-- has found another way to earn money now that people only obtain his music through illegal downloading: The new Chris Brown iPhone app.

The app, which streams Brown's music, information and live webcam sex tapes, also uses iPhone's built-in accelerometer for a more interactive experience.

"With the Chris Brown app running, hold your iPhone loosely in your dominant (stronger) hand," the app's instructions read. "And deliver a punch to your dog, child, or your best girl."

"The app will tell you exactly how much force you delivered into your loved one's body. What's more, your punch will be rated on a scale of 1 to 10; one being "Hit By Andy Dick" and ten being "Put Rihanna in the hospital. Can you f--k up your bitch like Chris? Practice makes perfect!"

In 2008, Brown showed off his dexterity while simultaneously driving his Lamborghini Gallardo and beating Rihanna stupid. He was arrested and eventually paid a fine of $45.00.

For a time, Rihanna suffered complete memory loss, and could not remember anything about her life. The pop star wrote about the trauma in her song, "What's My Name? (Seriously. And Where The F--k Am I) (Featuring Transient Global Amnesia and Snoop Dogg)"

Brown's app cost $1.99 and will be available to domestic batterers beginning in April.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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