Written by Frankie The J

Saturday, 29 January 2011

image for Adam Lambert Jerks Off--Fans Stymied and Stimulated
Lambert will no longeer be in need of a fig leaf for modesty, should he develop any

LOS ANGELES, CA (ABSNN) -- Adam Lambert is hospitalized in an undisclosed LA hospital after what physicians termed "a masturbatory accident." Apparently, and according to people who have no reason for knowing anything at all about the former American Idol runner-up, "Adam was jerking off and accidentally jerked his swangfroidclanger off--in his hand."

ABSNN is unable to get any confirmation regarding Lambert, or this story, from his official representatives, whomever they are, but unconfirmed rumors lead reporters to believe that a rash of jerking off has occurred among the singer's thousands of fans, especially those jerk offs who think his music is to, well, jerk off to.

Dr. Ima Deadman, who, in his own mind is a famed urologist, but in reality is a used tire salesman from Oceanside, told ABSNN's FrankietheJ, "Most people are unaware that it takes between 275-400 pounds of pressure to rip the penis from its anchor on the pelvis." Aside from just how cool and alliterative the phrase "penis on the pelvis sounds," there is absolutely no reason to think that anything Deadman says about the tensile strength of the "penis and the pelvis" should be paid any mind to.

"If in fact, large numbers of Lambert fans have been pulling their puds cannot be determined by this office," said an unnamed spokesperson at the LA County Coroner's Office on West Mission Boulevard. "But you would think, at least one or two of the pud pullers would have bled to death and we would have been notified," he continued, if indeed, he was a he and not a she.

"Lambert is known to have stuck his pelvis in the face of thousands of paying fans," said Ferrous Pilton, the well-known blogger who has dogged Lambert since he became famous on American Idol. Pilton apparently has it in for Lambert because he, Pilton, is about the only human male that the openly gay Lambert won't allow near his penis or his pelvis.

As for the actual whereabouts of Lambert, or whether or not he has indeed been hospitalized for jerking off his penis, is unknown, primarily because so few people really care.

"Most people are more concerned with the point spread in the Super Bowl," than the spread of Lambert's penis or pelvis," said Smelton Elton Farnsworth, the UK President of the Adam Lambert for Queen Crusade.

More on this an other important Entertainment News as we here at the All Bullshit News Network gets it!

Our motto is, "If we get it, you'll get it--or we'll make it up and you'll get it, want it or not!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Adam Lambert

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