Chicago -- In a surprise move to "prove" to feminists that Playboy readers actually DO read the articles, the magazine today said it was following National Geographic's lead and eliminating pictures in it's September issue. According to one subscriber, "I dunno. I buy National Geographic AND Playboy to look at exotic places I'm not likely to ever visit. Like Paris -- Paris Hilton. "
Playboy already offers a special edition for married men (Different articles, but same pictures month after month) is expected to save over $250,000 in photographers fees, and more than $1,000,000 in airbrushing and Photoshopping charges with their text-only September edition.
Al Goldstein, publisher of Sports Illustrated, said "That kind of bonehead move suits me fine. We'll just move up our swimsuit edition to September. Since our girls aren't actually wearing suits anymore, just glued-on zippers, buttons, and body paint, we can easily fill the void for voyerism."
Playboy, which traditional went for "Wholesome, Girl-Next Door" imagery, has suffered recently from the "I like my girls on the trashy side" pictorals in Oui, Gents, BigUns, and other, less sophisticated men's magazines. Most of Playboy's competitors don't even bother with articles. According to Al Bundy, a conniseur of fine "art," Playboy has fallen behind the times. You've got Cheri magazine showing hot, wet, you-know whats, and all you see in Playboy is lawn that needs mowing...."
Writers slated to have articles appearing the text-only edition include George Plimpton, Truman Capote, John Krakauer, plus a jail-house interview with NYtimes reporter Judith Miller. "Lester the Molester," a discontinued cartoon adored by pedophiles nation-wide, will return, but in text-only form.
Even ads for products like "Better Sex", Pheromone-laced aftershave, and more sensitive condoms will be forced to only include DESCRIPTIONS of the young hottie you'll get to meet after purchasing their product rather than pictures.
Already, distributors are cutting back their orders for newsstand copies, saying "What, has Christine gone blind or something? Someone needs to send her a white cane." Porn is one of the biggest industries in America, and Playboy was the traditional leader. "First, they let Penthouse pull waaay ahead with the "Letters to Penthouse" section, next, the FDA announces Viagra can make you go blind, and now, no pictures? This is going to make sitting on the can, well, pretty boring."
