Lady Gaga and Ben Bernanke caught canoodling?!

Funny story written by Milo Malkavic Mendoza

Saturday, 8 January 2011

image for Lady Gaga and Ben Bernanke caught canoodling?!

Wednesday night our colleagues at WikiSquirts New York Bureau happened upon a bizarre (and frankly disturbing) sight at the swanky eatery davidburke & donatella on Manhattan's Park Avenue.

At first glance, it appeared to be a much older man (grandfatherly type) snuggling with a bag of golf clubs but upon further inspection it was discovered to be none other than Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, 57, and pop superstar Lady Gaga (pronounced GA! GA!), 24, inebriated, carrying on like a couple of hormone fueled teenagers!

Upon exiting the posh establishment around 2 a.m. WikiSquirts attempted to photograph the very "handsy" couple but were promptly attacked by Bernanke himself.

According to Gaga's security detail they saw our colleague hiding behind a telephone pole, camera in hand and ready to shoot, when a completely blotto Ben pointed to our spy and hollered 'BY ALL THAT IS HOLY UNHAND THAT MAN! HE IS TRYING TO PHOTO ME AND MY BUTTERCUP!" At that point Mr. Bernanke attempted to take matters into his own hands with a kick to the groin of our WikiSquirts Correspondent.

Thankfully the kick missed and Mr. Bernanke slipped and fell to the ground without further menace. However, that scared our correspondent out from behind the pole to receive a thorough ass kicking from Gaga's amused security detail without getting a single snap shot of the couple or event.

According to unnamed sources within the Gaga security team it seems the torrid affair between Ms. Gaga and the Fed Chairman has been going on for quite sometime, but until recently the couple had been very discreet about their mutual admiration.

This incident occurred, according to the source, because "…Gaga and Bernanke had been drinking hard and steady since attending an Olivia Newton-John concert [at the Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, New Jersey] earlier in the day and insisted, against our advice, on stopping at D & D. Ben is just a sloppy and belligerent old Jew when he's been drinking and Gaga well she's just a gold diggin' tramp."

When WikiSquirts contacted sources close to Gaga as to why she would "hook up" with such an old, Republican, Corporate Shill? They answered "…it's like so taboo that it just gets her HOT! She's told us that it's like making love to Lucifer himself and their love is so intense that she passes out at copulation." Oh and I guess Ben is quite the …. linguist if you know what we mean. He is also a former deep sea diver and likes to wear his atmospheric dive suit during the act. This also means he can hold his breath for a very, very long time.

Bernanke is a married man so WikiSquirts wondered if his marriage to Anna Friedmann was on the outs and apparently it is not. According to sources close to Friedmann "…her and Ben have had an open relationship (just like Demi and Ashton) for years and are famous for their "swap meets" within the Washington, D.C. beltway." WikiSquirts has learned that current Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boener (pronounced BONER) has been a frequent attendee of those "meets" but always shows up without a guest so he just has to join in on random couples during the nights events - freaking weirdo.

The couple intends to carry on their debauchery even though the pairing could affect both of their careers adversely. It seems the coupling is just so weird that Gaga can't get enough of it and for Ben… well Gaga is 24 years old and looks like a bag of golf clubs.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more