SAN FRANCISCO - Lady Gaga had just finished performing at the famous Cow Pasture Palace in San Francisco when she was asked about her 'pat down' incident down at LAX Airport in Los Angeles.
Gaga told a reporter for West Coast Mirror magazine, Sigourney Funchcobbler that she had never been more embarrassed, ashamed, and insulted in her entire life.
She pointed out that the TSA pat down security official, whom she identified as Dante Dwight Whiffenhouse seemed to be a little to excited with his newly assigned position as executive TSA pat down security agent inspector.
Lady Gaga stated that the pat down agent advised her that since she had refused to go through the X-ray scanner that she was going to have to submit herself to the official pat down procedure.
Gaga said that she was fine with that but instructed the agent not to linger to long in one particular area.
She said that she was surprised to see the pat down agent wink at her as he heard her make her remark.
Gaga said that as Whiffenhouse was putting on his blue gloves that he told her that he had seen her on television wearing her meat outfit and that it reminded him of his first wife Camilla, who had divorced him three years ago and who had taken him to the cleaners.
Gaga said that she told him that he really needed to get over it. She added that the agent was not too happy with her making that remark.
Whiffenhouse immediately told her to spread her legs. She did as she was instructed. He then told her to spread them out more and that he said to her that he knew she could because he had seen a video of her doing so while singing her hit written by Kara DioGuardi entitled, "I'll Slip Into Something Sexy, And Then You Can Slip Into Something Sexy, Me!"
Gaga informed him that she had used a body double. He grinned like the Costa Rican cat that had swallowed the Chilean canary and he told her that he was fixing to find out.
Whiffenhouse then took his blue gloved hand, pulled the front part of Gaga's panties open and proceeded to go to town (for want of a better phrase).
Lady G told him that she really did not mind him touching her crotch cookie too much but that she would have to draw the line with him having a glass of wine and a cigarette while he was doing so.
As Whiffenhouse was conducting the official pat down he suddenly stopped. He got as white as Nicole Kidman and Marcia Cross and then turned three shades of pink.
Lady Gaga started laughing. The pat down agent could not talk.
"Whazza matter dude?" Gaga asked. Whiffenhouse remained speechless.
"Didn't I effen tell you not to linger too long in one particular area?"
The agent remained quiet and now his face had turned as white as a KKK sheet.
Lady Gaga then said, "Grow up guy. You reached in my undies trying to cop a feel of my biscuit and instead you ended up touching and actually caressing my Vienna sausage, so now, that officially makes you gay and don't think that I won't be telling everyone that I possibly can about it."
Another TSA agent finally told Lady Gaga that she could continue on and go board her plane. By this time Whiffenhouse had been taken to a back office where he reportedly was treated for shock.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The next day Lady Gaga appeared on the Larry King Show and she informed the suspendered one that there is no way in hell that anyone can convince her that an official TSA pat down procedure should last twenty minutes as hers did.]