LOS ANGELES - Cheryl Cole was at LAX airport on her way to catch a flight to New York City to meet with her boyfriend Derek Hough.
Hough had flown to the 'Big Apple' to accept an ABC Network award for being the best dancer on network television.
Hough was very excited as he had beaten out top notch nominees including Mark "Bristol's Pistolero" Ballas, Lacey "Lips of Love" Schwimmer, and Cheryl "The Filipino Firecracker" Burke.
Meanwhile Cole had gone through the metal detector with no problem whatsoever. She was then asked to go through the X-ray scanner, which she hesitated to do, but finally agreed to do after seven people behind her began chanting, "Go Cheryl! Go Cheryl! Go Cheryl!"
Everything went fine. As Cheryl grabbed her $9,000 imported Peruvian carry on bag she was asked by a TSA inspector agent to please step over towards the area known as Pat Down Central.
Cole respectfully asked why. She was told that she was not allowed to ask any questions and if she wanted to ask questions that maybe she should talk to her boyfriend's sister's boyfriend about getting a job as a judge on American Idol.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: To explain the previous paragraph for the benefit of our wonderful readers who may not know...Cheryl Cole's boyfriend is Derek Hough and Derek's sister is Julianne Hough, who is Ryan Seacrest's girlfriend. Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson does not have a girlfriend because he is just too damn pitchy.]
Cheryl, who by now was truly upset, told the gentleman, identified as FitzRoy Loxahatchee, that she did not appreciate his attitude, his smugness, and the fact that as he was talking to her he was eyeing her up and down like she was standing there wearing nothing but the skimpiest string bikini thong that Victoria's Secret sells.
Loxahatchee told her to get over it because she wasn't no Charlize Theron, Jessica Alba, Eva Longoria, or Adriana Lima. Cole turned three shades of pink.
The TSA inspector agent then instructed her to spread her legs.
"What?" Cole hollered out.
And the TSA inspector agent laughed and told her to just pretend that she was Sarah Palin up in the Alaskan wilderness getting reading to take a pee out in the great outdoors.
Cheryl looked down at Loxahatchee's hands and noticed that not only was he not wearing any gloves, his hands looked like AboSnow's (the Abominable Snowman's) hands.
The second that TSA pat down agent FitzRoy Loxahatchee touched Cheryl's crotch cookie she fainted.
She was picked up and taken to one of the airport security offices. She called Derek who called a limo to pick her up and drive her to The Airport of The Stars where she flew on to New York City on Hugh Hefner's private Lear Jet.
In The Rumor Squashing Department: Actress Megan Fox has disclosed that her last name has always been spelled F-o-x and never has she ever spelled it F-u-x like Ann "Giddy Up" Coulter has implied.
