HOLLYWOOD - Sharon Osbourne, who many media critics have referred to as an over-the-hill drag queen looking senior citizen diva, has opened her mouth and hurled some ugly remarks towards sweet, little Cheryl Cole.
Sharon, who is married to the rock icon Ozzy "Ahhh Uuuum Duuuh" Osbourne touched upon the fact that she does not feel that Simon Cowell had any business hiring Cole to be one of the judges on his brand new upcoming show X-Factor.
Mrs. Osbourne, who speaks with a manly accent that makes her sound like Elton John, if of course he was manlier than he actually is, observed that she feels that the only reason Cowell picked Cheryl to be one of the judges is because she is a very gorgeously sexy woman, and he will most certainly have her sit next to him, like he did on the English version of X-Factor.
Sharon was asked if perhaps she was a bit jealous. She coughed, wheezed, sneezed, spit into a Kleenex, and replied that she was not the least bit jealous of Cheryl who has an alluringly tantalizing ass, seductively luscious legs, and voluptuously titillating tits.
Mrs. Osbourne made a face and then confessed, "Okay, alright dammit. Perhaps I'm just a little teensy bit jealous but I meself 'ave been told dat I duzz posses a right nice bikini line I duzz I do."
Cheryl was reached at the home of her boyfriend Derek "Smiley" Hough and told about Sharon Osbourne's comments. Chezza, as she is known in England simply smiled and disclosed that she feels sorry for Madam Osbourne who seems to be getting more and more bitter in her old age.
Cole elaborated further by stating that Piers Morgan confided in her (C.C.) that during this years run of America's Got Talent that Sharon would repeatedly reach underneath the judges table during commercial breaks and try to touch both Piers' and Howie Mandel's groin gizmo's.
Piers acknowledged that he and Howie finally had to report her to the head of security for the show Hoyt Mollycoddle. He met with Sharon and instructed her (in an accent that she could readily understand) to basically keep her 'fookin' hands to herself.
Sharon complained to the shows host Nick "The Pogo Stick" Cannon. Nicky, who is married to the bosomy singer Mariah Carey, told her that Mr. Mollycoddle had threatened to have her arrested for adult molestation but that he had talked him out of it because he knows that it would have embarrassed the hell out of her daughter Kelly.
Mrs. Osbourne said that she was so fed up with Morgan and Mandel that she was seriously thinking about moving back to England where males like Elton John, Boy George, and George Michael never, ever complain about some old hag touching their willy's (dipsticks).
In news coming out of the African country of Upper Shambutu: A game warden, Noel Tatabling, has reported seeing the offspring of a male leopard and a female zebra. Tatabling stated that the Lebras friggin hide pattern looks like something that Picasso would have painted.
