The X factor massacre

Funny story written by Football mole

Tuesday, 23 November 2010


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A Beatle yesterday. ('Yesterday'...geddit?)

Armed police and other emergency services were alerted to attend an incident at a television studio in North-West London late on Saturday evening to investigate the multiple slaughter of several songs made famous by an up-and-coming popular beat combo called 'The Beatles'.

Police were called after tip-offs from millions of prime-time TV viewers after sickening scenes of premeditated, cold-blooded murder unfolded in front of a horrified live studio audience.

Close to tears, a police spokesman who wished to remain anonymous said that many of the songs were killed outright and had died instantly.

Others, however, weren't so lucky.

"It's absolute carnage in there. No-one can quite believe it. The level of merciless torture is far beyond anything we've seen before. Even the hardened coppers are having trouble with this. I don't think it's sunk in yet."

Early reports estimated the death toll at five or six but an inside source placed the figure even higher.

His voice trembling, he said: "'Something', 'Yesterday', 'Let it be', 'Help' and 'All you need is love' are dead and gone. Forget it. 'Get back', Hippy hippy shake' and 'Hey Jude' were dealt some particularly nasty blows and 'Come together' was found in a corner, bleeding heavily and had to be put out of its misery by a police marksman."

Several people described as 'desperate' by police are being held over the killings but authorities are keen to widen their search and are said to be looking for bigger fish.

The spokesman said: "These desperate, desperate people carried out a truly callous operation but it's obvious that there are other, much more important characters who sanctioned this atrocity and we won't rest until they're held to account."

A late press release has indicated that police are now keen to interview Louis 'Spineless' Walsh, Dannii 'The fence-sitter' Minogue, Cheryl 'Chav Goddess' Cole and Simon 'the total cunt' Cowell in connection with the horrific events of Saturday night.

There is some confusion, however, over the putrifying corpse of 'Imagine'.

The spokesman said: "What we can't understand is why 'Imagine' was among the dead. In its total failure to be a Beatles song, it's highly likely that it was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's utterly tragic."

Sir Paul McCartney was, last night, being comforted by friends and family and was said to be inconsolable over the tragic loss.

Ringo Starr was also in the Beatles apparently.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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