Sister Paris Hilton gives tips to young women

Funny story written by Morgan Truce

Thursday, 8 December 2005


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Sister Paris Hilton gives tips to young women

BELMAR, NJ (AP) In her first public appearance since taking vows in the Catholic Church, Sister Paris Hilton gave a talk to an assembly of girls at the St. Rose High School in this seaside town. Touching on many topics important to young women, Sister Paris Hilton was eager to share what she had learned during her many years in the public spotlight.

"Young women should never wear any sort of makeup. Lipstick in particular serves no purpose other than to upset the hormonal balance of the young men around you. Let your natural beauty show."

"Always wear dark clothing that covers everything from your chin to your ankles and wrists. There is no need to share a glimpse of any part of your body to any male except, perhaps, your husband some day---and maybe not even then."

"Avoid stimulating drinks, cigarettes, and tattoo parlors. Nothing good will ever come from those things."

"God provided you with all the holes a body ever needs---don't pierce any more."

"Never think about sex. Such thoughts will ruin your life. Some day after you are married, your husband and you might decide to have a larger family… that is the only time to think about sex."

"Avoid young men carrying video cameras. Trust me."

"Try to stay in the background. Never seek public attention. The last thing any young woman wants is to have everyone talking about her."

"It's perfectly OK to watch Religion and Ethics Newsweekly every Sunday on PBS, but make sure the TV is turned off the rest of the week. Most other things on television should not be seen by young women."

After finishing her prepared remarks, Sister Hilton was greeted with a stunned silence from the high school girls-many of whom had been reading about Paris Hilton in supermarket tabloids and watching her exploits on TV for several years. One girl whispered, "Like what's up with Paris Hilton? Where does she come off telling us how to dress and what to think about? You know, she's just a big slut!"

Sister Paris Hilton is now touring the whole country. Check with your local Catholic high school to find out when she will be giving her tips in your town.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more