Skoob Entertainment News supremo Buffty Ginslinger was in no mood for taking prisoners this morning as he reported on last night's X-Factor proceedings.
Speaking from a park bench in Golden Square in the heart of London's Soho district, a hungover Buffty told our man that he'd seen last night's show, and that he thought it was 'utter shite' apart from Matt Cardle's rendition of the Roberta Flack classic, 'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face' and a haunting performance of 'Feel My Love' by the immensely talented yet painfully shy Scouse songstress, Rebecca Ferguson.
Buffty remarked that Treyc Cohen made a fair stab of Aerosmith's 'Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' and that the others were just okay.
But he reserved his ire for boy band One Direction:
"That Liam should dump the other four," he said. "That boy's a grafter - he does all the work whilst the others merely fanny about. He does almost all the solo lines. He should either cut an 80/20 deal in percentage terms of the take or just go it alone. The other four are just plonkers - especially that Harry Styles, who I believe is no relation to England World Cup Winner, Nobby. Which is hardly surprising. Anyway, no time to twat on at this juncture - I'm expected at the Nag's Head in Covent Garden to hold further auditions for my upcoming production of a biopic of grunt n groan grappling legend Mick McManus, which hopefully will feature Peter Andre as Jackie 'Mister TV' Pallo and Jordan flashing her boobies a lot. Toodle pip."
With that, Buffty shuffled off with a cheery wave, pausing only to throw up in a litter bin.
More as we get it.