Keith Richards No Longer Human - May Be Immortal

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 28 October 2010

image for Keith Richards No Longer Human - May Be Immortal
Keith Richards (archive photo)

The name Keith Richards is synonymous with rock 'n' roll excess, his memoirs detail a lifetime spent ingesting a monumental quantity of illegal drugs and he only gave up cocaine, aged 62, after he split his head open falling from a tree while foraging for coconuts, but now the Rolling Stones lead guitarist has an even bigger story to tell fans - he is no longer a human being.

Richards, 66, has, according to medical experts, 'morphed' into something that is a mutation of the human form.

Indeed, according to one addiction expert, Dr Robert Lefever, director of the Promis recovery centre in Richards' native Kent, the star is: "an ox." The part of Richards that is still human agrees:

"I used to walk down Oxford Street with a slab of hash as big as a skateboard, and twice as heavy."

Richards has spoken fondly of his antics in London fuelled by what he calls 'speedballs', a cocktail of cocaine and heroin he refers to with his customary nonchalance as "the breakfast of champions".

He claims that during the notorious Redlands raid of 1967, he allowed the police into his home in Sussex because he was under the apprehension, as a result of copious quantities of LSD, that the officers were "dwarves wearing dark blue, with shiny bits and helmets".

And although he gave up heroin in 1978 after being busted five times, he did not finally stop taking cocaine until 2006 after the coconut tree incident required him to undergo brain surgery. When surgeons found his brain to be the size of a microdot, he finally decided to give up the evil drug.

Doctors believe that at least half of Richards may be a building, a theory developed by Richards himself, who told them:

"My body is a temple."

Doctor Lefever also claims Richards' apparent ability to withstand enormous amounts of narcotics may have led to him becoming immortal. He said:

"No matter what this man puts into his arms, down his throat or up his arse, it seems to have no effect on him, and if he hasn't died by now, he probably isn't going to!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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