Written by Bureau

Saturday, 18 September 2010

image for Kirstie Alley Develops Special Sling In Order To Haul Ass!

Kirstie Alley, everyone's Hollywood Sweet Tooth, has developed a new device that helps her get around more easily by holding on to a shopping cart at the local "Get & Go!"

"I invented it myself", stated Allie to our reporter. "When you are slightly overweight like myselves, you're always afraid a fire alarm or something will go off at the 'Get & Go' or 'The Ready Bready Discount Pastry Store' and someone yells 'Everybody haul ass!'. Now I'm ready."

The device is hooked to your pants like suspenders in front, loop up over your shoulders and loop way, way down the bottom of your ass.

"This also keeps a good balance between your ass and the heavy amounts of pastry in the shopping carts."

One warning Kirstie wanted us to pass along. Please never allow yourself to let go of the filled shopping cart or you'll be like a turtle on it's back.

"That happened to me at 'Day Old Police Donuts' once and these kids kept spinning me like a top until the police arrived for their donuts. It was embarrassing."

About not being able to get up?

"No, about being arrested for being drunk."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: kirstie alley

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