Yesterday Nathan Lee Parada, 31, was arrested outside of Paris Hilton's home in the gated community of Mulholland Estates. How did he get over the gates? Was it an inside job? If it was a burglary why did Nathan Lee Parada knock on the front door and speak to Paris' latest boyfriend? What was Gnate doing with two knives? Patience my children, all will become clear, like the Gulf of Mexico, now devoid of shrimp cocktail.
Nathan Lee Parada was booked on suspicion of attempted burglary. Nate is a sushi chef at the Hilton Universal City Hotel in Los Angeles, California. LAPD spokesman Richard French just released Nathan Parada's videotaped confession. Here it is:
"I've always been a huge fan of Paris Hilton. A lot of people knock her singing but have you heard Khloe Kardasian sing? A friend of mine was just in jail with Lilo who is a friend of Paris. The jail was teeming with those blood sucking bed bugs. I know that Paris spends a lot of time in bed working on her film career. We have tons of beds at the hotel. They get on your clothing. Then you take them to the movies, like "1 Night in Paris." Paris was so real in that movie. She didn't fake yell and scream like the fake porn actresses. She just purred like a kitten and kept telling Rick Salomon that she loved him, while he talked dirty. No wonder she blew him off."
"So I'm thinking if Lindsay Lohan visits Paris and brings the jail bed bugs with her then Paris is done. You can never get rid of those suckers. One turns into a million and then they increase exponentially. I got my Ph.D. in math at Stanford when Tiger was there. You can call me Dr. Prada."
"These blood suckers only come out at night. Some people get welts and other people get severe allergies. The Pakistani people are thanking God that the floods and high temperatures washed away the bed bugs. They hide in their little holes and in your mattress all day and then when they hear you snoring they crawl into your mouth and eyes and ears and into your brain. They bite your brain."
"They make you stupid. Paris Hilton is really smart. She has her own conglomerate of hotels, clothing and perfume. I didn't want the bed bugs biting Paris' occipital lobe. I didn't want Paris Hilton to get stupid. I did it all for Paris. The knives were to flip up the bed bugs and slice their filthy throats, to protect Paris. I swear, I'm innocent I tells ya. I'm innocent. Go ahead. Throw away the key. God knows I'm innocent. Your laws have no authority over me. God is my only judge; and Simon Cowell. He's so rude. He's so tough on the contestants. One day Paris will thank me. Rome will thank me. Et tu Brutus?"
