Eastenders hard man and current crack cocaine addict Phil Mitchell is set to appear in the soaps most controversial storyline yet - he will become addicted to writing spoofs.
The crippling addiction begins after Mitchell gets bored of crack in a couple of weeks but decides he needs to fill the void with a new addiction to overcome the pain of his son being sent to borstal or finding out he's run out of teabags or something.
The addiction begins when a bored Mitchell decides to Google 'Phil Mitchell' to find out what the web has been saying about his portrayal of a crack addict. He sneers at the Daily Mail's anger at a cocaine binge being shown on TV at 8pm and he grunts at the Twitter trending where people seem to be laughing at his performance.
Then he suddenly pauses as he clicks on a link which reads 'Latest Eastenders shock storyline - Phil Mitchell to become addicted to writing spoofs', shakes his head in disbelief as he reads and mutters to himself 'What a tool - Does this geezer fink he's funny or summink?'
He spends the rest of the day reading other spoofs on the Britain's favourite spoof website and in the nail biting climax he says to himself 'Bunch of jokers. I can do better than these muppets' and registers under the pen name Grant_Mitchell.
As Mitchell's creative juices begin to flow he starts by writing a spoof about Ian Beale taking it up the arse. He publishes it then pours himself a large scotch.
Three bottles later he passes out at his computer and only wakes up 8 hours later when he hears the sound of Bianca shouting 'RICKAY' for the 20 millionth time that episode.
He logs back into his Spoof account and clicks on his writer's desk and to his surprise 83 people have read his story and one anonymous person has even given it 2 thumbs up.
Mitchell smiles to himself and sets to work on his next Spoof called 'Ian Beale sucks cocks in the caff'.
A few hours later he checks his writer's desk and he sees that not only have 143 read this story, he has also been awarded 5 thumbs up by 2 people and a link has been added in the News Discussion Forum where 3 comments have been posted welcoming him to the Spoof.
'Fan-bleedin-tastic' he shouts to himself and begins typing up his third spoof - Ian Beale catches the clap off a rent boy.
This time Mitchell waits at his computer until the story is published and watches his writer's desk as he is informed '1 person has read your spoof news story ''Ian Beale catches the clap off a rent boy''
Then another person reads it. And another, and another. 24 hours later, 143 people have read the story. Mitchell sits at his laptop shaking, sweat pouring off his brow.
Unwashed and suffering from sleep deprivation Mitchell shouts 'JUST ONE MORE HIT - COME ON GIVE ME ONE MORE HIT'
The 'Doomf Doomf' drums kick in signalling the end of the show so viewers are left in suspense as to if the Ian Beale - Clap spoof will be his most popular ever.
The hard hitting story line is expected to last for about a week until Mitchell finally loses interest in writing spoofs when his final story 'Ian Beale aint got no balls' receives only 33 hits and is given a single thumbs up by five different readers.
