'Power' Video is Vintage Kanye West, But With 50% More Suck!

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Friday, 6 August 2010

image for 'Power' Video is Vintage Kanye West, But With 50% More Suck!
ABOVE: Retina detachment, suffered by man watching Kanye West 'Power" video.

Kanye West's "Power" music video debuted on MTV yesterday, after a new episode of "Guidos Gone Wild".

And it sucked ass.

"Power" is the first single from West's upcoming "Mom? Speak To Me. MOM!" album. And since last Monday, Kanye teased all 45 MTV viewers with the lame catchphrase, "Power: It's not a video, it's a painting."

"It's 32 ounces of suck in a Slurpee Cup," says Hip-Hop Harry, spokesperson for "Rap Artists for Booty Girls, Gaudy Pendants, Unlaced Sneakers, 24" Rims, Perreando, One-Handed Driving Miming, Slow Motion Entrance Via Expensive Mode of Travel, and 'Feat. Lil Wayne' in Videos"

Using the "one-long-take" video cliche --which was interesting when the Spice Girls used it for "Wannabe", but is now as original as a Missy Elliott video using a fish-eye lens and inflatable sweatpants-- the video is a stylized sh-tstorm of Waterworldian proportions.

"It starts with a stylized shot of Me, wearing all black, with glowing eyes," said Kanye, after ripping a microphone out of the hand of 87 year-old Dolores Herbig, while she was conducting a charity BINGO tournament at the Elk's Lodge in Gloucester City, NJ.

"Then, there's Me surrounded by pillars and wearing a 15-pound Horus piece around My neck. I'm lying on a canvas, surrounded by mythological angels and nymphs cavort around him, while levitating servants pour water upside-down onto their faces, two sword-swinging goons come flying at each other in slow-motion, and a giant sword threads through a halo above My head."

"What the f--k did I just watch?" asked Jerome Brown, 29, who wasn't able to get to his remote in time to switch back to the Padres-Dodgers game he was watching before his girlfriend made him switch over to MTV so she could see the highlights for next week's 'Jersey Shore'. "This is a joke, right? My retinas hurt."

Marco Brambilla, who directed this pus-filled abcess, said, "it visualizes power, and Kanye as the icon as power. At the end of the piece it challenges the power that was set up at the beginning. It's an elliptical piece of storytelling... Oh, who am I kidding. The whole video is sh-t on french toast. I'm so, so sorry. The part about Kanye almost being decapitated is kinda cool, though. Right?"

Interestingly, the video only encompasses about a third of the five-minute record, so one can not help but wonder what visual fuckery will be unleashed upon West's 4 remaining fans when the complete film is released.

"There'll be flying, twin-horned narwhals, and pizzas being thrown like Frisbees out of a 300 foot statue of Kanye, which'll be buried up to its chest in sand, a-la Planet of the Apes. Then you'll see the Easter Bunny firing Stinger missles at a puppy farm from an Apache helicopter, just as Harry Truman begins a waltz with a zebra on its hind legs. It'll be so... so..."


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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