Written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 7 May 2010

image for Naomi Campbell Tells Oprah Winfrey That She Blames Her Rage On Her Maple Syrup Diet
Naomi Campbell shown standing on a step ladder. (Photo courtesy of Rush Limbaugh).

CHICAGO - One of the angriest women in America, Naomi Campbell appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show and talked about why exactly it is that she seems to always be acting like a bitter bitch.

Before Campbell started talking Winfrey made it very clear to her that if she even dared to think about tossing a cell phone at her that she would have her two security guards grab her angry black ass and throw her down to the floor.

Oprah said that she would then have them handcuff her and she personally would place a call to the Chicago Police Department.

Winfrey asked Campbell if she understood what she had just told her. Naomi half-smiled and asked Oprah when the hell she had become the fat black version of Ann Coulter.

Oprah stood up, got in her face, and told Campbell to never ever compare her to that skinny, white, GOP bitch again. She then said that iffin (her word) she did she would personally slap her so hard that it would straighten out her nappy headed hair.

Campbell did not say a word, but she did put her right hand on her cell phone. Oprah saw her and said, "Okay, now bitch. Doncha even thinks about it cause I swears I will bite your rough looking black hand so hard they'll hear you screaming all the way up in Waukegan and dats what I be's talkin' about."

Oprah raised her eyebrows and said, "Okay now, so having gotten all that shit out of da way - NA-O-MIIII - WEL-COME TO DA SHOW GIRLFRIEND!

Naomi shook her head and said, "Oprah, gal, let's me tellya, you is one silly-ass African-American tater tot."

"And you be's another one fa sho my ho."

Oprah leaned back in her chair and asked her when she first noticed that she was always angry, upset, and basically acting like a horny ho that hadn't had any in a few days.

Campbell rolled her eyes and replied that she gets it everyday and tweist on Saturdays.

Naomi then said that she knows that he does have a history of tossing cell phones at her employees but that she really does not mean to hurt anyone, but for some reason they usually end up with bruises, scrapes, scratches, cuts, or lacerations.

Oprah asked her why she hasn't sought out professional help before she ends up seriously hurting someone and finds her big, black booty in the pokey and having it become the prized possession of some 6 foot 2, 315 pound ghetto mama.

Campbell did not say a word. Oprah asked her if the problems stemmed from when she was a little girl and no one wanted to play with her because she kind of looked like Farina of the Little Rascals.

Naomi said that she did not look like Farina.

"Buckwheat?" Winfrey asked.


"Okay then lard-ass, did you maybe resemble Stymie?"

"No. And Oprah did you maybe look like Whoopi Goldberg?"

Oprah stood up, got in her face, and said that she can just about call her any name under the sun but that she had better never ever call her Whoopi Goldberg.

Winfrey asked about Naomi's special diet. Campbell told her that for the past year, she has been surviving pretty much on her Maple Syrup Diet.

"YUCK-ERSSSSS!" Winfrey yelled out.

She asked what she puts in it. And Campbell said that she takes 12 ounces of maple syrup and adds a spoonful of Cayenne pepper, two tablespoons of Tabasco sauce, a spoonful of chili powder, some pico de gallo, some parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme and then throws in a few M&Ms to kind of mask the horrendously horrible taste.

Naomi then told Oprah that she wanted to talk about her brand new book on the intricacies of modeling entitled, How I Got To Be A Fabulously Fantastic Model And How Maybe, And It's A Big Effen Maybe, You Can To.

Oprah told her that they had run out of time and to try and get on The Ellen DeGeneres Show and plug her arrogant book on her show.

To see 60 explicit never before seen before and after photos of Naomi Campbell's cervix augmentation log on to www.naomicampbellthehonotthesoup.yic

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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