Bubbles the chimp has been admitted to hospital suffering from a sore arse.
The pampered primate had recently been adopted by Graham Norton after the tragic death of his brother, Michael.
Doctors at the Royal Marzipan Hospital are desperately searching for a replacement arsehole but have so far failed to contact Max Clifford, who is understood to be abroad trying to sell Jade Goody's children to Brad Pitt.
Rectal surgeon Dr Ramadamadingdong explained: "If we can't locate Max, we will have no option but to weld Sir Alex Ferguson's brain to the chimp's anal canal."
