Cameron Diaz Arrested for Drunk Driving!

Funny story written by Morgan Truce

Friday, 21 January 2005

image for Cameron Diaz Arrested for Drunk Driving!
Smile: Hazardous to Passing Lane

LOS ANGELES (AP) LAPD officers arrested movie star Cameron Diaz early this morning and charged the actress with drunk driving, public intoxication, vegetarianism, lewdness, resisting bodily search, attempt to bribe a law officer, and excessive smiling in the left lane. Detective Joe Friday spoke to a group of reporters outside the station where Cameron Diaz was being hosed down in the holding cell. "One of our patrol cars observed Miss Diaz traveling at a high rate of speed on the freeway. When the officer flashed his emergency lights, the perpetrator flipped him the bird and tried to evade the officer."

"After a short chase aided by four helicopters, the officer was able to push the rear of her car into a spin, which then came to a stop against the side of a bus. The officer got her down on the ground, and straddled her for an extended period of time while Miss Diaz resisted every effort the officer made to subdue her. Finally, with the aid of seven back-up cops, the officer managed to get her in handcuffs." Two passengers sleeping in the back seat of the car, identified as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were released without being charged.

Detective Friday said that there would be an internal LAPD investigation over several charges made by an attorney representing Miss Diaz. "I cannot comment on any of the charges, other than to say it is highly unlikely that any LAPD officer would attempt to sexually molest a detainee, and that it is common practice for a group of officers to conduct a strip search of a drunk female who just happens to be good looking."

Attorney Jackie Childs, who last worked several years ago on the Seinfeld case, said that he would try to get Cameron out on bail, "...perhaps by the end of the week. I have to familiarize myself with Miss Diaz and settle the arrangement for fees. I especially want to hear every last detail about that lewdness charge. I am confident I will be able to get all the charges dropped against my client, even though 97% of my previous clients were found guilty and served hard time. I also wanted to mention that if any of you have ever slipped on the floor in Wal-Mart, be sure and give me a call at 1(800) JackieC. I will make us some real money. Thank you."

Cameron Diaz was to be married to singer Justin Timberlake, but all wedding plans have been cancelled pending the outcome of her trial.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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