Conservative Christians' Answer to SpongeBob Takes No Prisoners

Funny story written by Jerry Cornelium

Friday, 21 January 2005

image for Conservative Christians' Answer to SpongeBob Takes No Prisoners
Elijah BiblePants takes no prisoners!

LOS ANGELES, CA --- Fed up with the mainstream media's promoting homosexuality among young children, conservative Christians have come up with their own children's cartoon hero: Elijah BiblePants. Gay characters, such as SpongeBob Squarepants, Bob the Builder, and Barney, are always cheerful, never lose their temper, and they encourage children to use their "imagination". Not so Elijah BiblePants! Creator Chad Jackson says Elijah is dour, angry, and "strictly literalist".

Jackson, whose Biblical comic tracts promising eternal damnation can be found in laundrymats and subway cars, says his new cartoon character may somewhat resemble SpongeBob -- but that's only as far as looks are concerned.

"I promise you, there is nothing gay or otherwise filthy about Elijah BiblePants," he said. "Elijah is not happy, and he is not friendly! Because when it's a matter of everlasting Hellfire, you've got nothing to be friendly about."

Elijah BiblePants is inspired by Second Kings 2:23-24. In that passage, the prophet Elijah invokes the Lord and curses a throng of children who have teased him because of his baldness. As a result, a group of enraged bears charges out of the woods, tearing to pieces forty-two of the insolent brats.

The hero of this new Christian cartoon series delivers moving Hellfire and brimstone sermons. He also organizes book burnings and public stonings of homosexuals, adulterers, and heretics.

But mainstream media have shied away from airing the program.

"Elijah BiblePants is a sordid orgy of violence and hatred," one network executive said, pale and visibly shaken. "Certainly not appropriate for kids. Some of the things I saw on that tape … I don't think I will ever get them out of my head."

Jackson admits that his uncompromising children's cartoon has been a tough sell even among Christian broadcasters.

Said Sherman Marcus, CEO of The JesusChannelNetwork, "When we choose programming for young kids, say, ages 2-11, we look for stuff that is more along the lines of, say, Veggie Tales. You know good, healthy food teaching good, healthy lessons about, say, Christian values. While we do acknowledge that homosexuality is sinful, we don't think that graphic depictions of violence against, say, homosexuals are something that children ought to be exposed to."

Jackson disagrees.

"Yeah, I'm sure Veggie Tales stands a chance of competing with shows like Barney and South Park," he said, smirking.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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