Whitney Houston Dumps European Tour Due to "Illness"

Written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 7 April 2010


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Whitney's Medicine

Announced suddenly by her gaggle of personal handlers, Whitney Houston will be dropping several European Tour dates due to an apparent "Upper Respiratory" infection.

While symptoms of an upper respiratory disease would include loss of stamina and difficulty in breathing, thus providing the perfect alibi for dropping a strenuous stage show, they would not explain other symptoms that have historically plagued Ms. Houston.

Answering questions by the press, Houston's publicist, Sharon Shairadyke says, "As far as the wobbles go, that's due to an inner ear infection and her constantly getting used to wearing new pairs of high heeled shoes. Her slurred speech is due to numerous trips to the dentist and all that novacaine". When asked about Houston's frequent bouts with passing out during the middle of the day, Sharadyke explains, "Everybody knows she struggles with Narcolepsy, now get off the sister's back."

Critics might agree that part of Houston's problem is probably due to "Narco-something", but her publicist assures Houston's fans that she has been clean and sober since her 7th trip to rehab. "Whitney is a hard working American Icon, a savvy business woman and model mother, when she's not sick". Says Sharadyke.

European ticket holders were told to wait for rescheduled tour dates, but were not encouraged. Titled as Houston's "Don't Hold Your Breath Tour", ticket holders won't be.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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