Fans of homosexuals were left reeling last night when it turned out that one of their number was in fact deeply mediocre hip-jangler Ricky Martin.
The Livin' La Vida Loca singer had managed to avoid coming out for the last two decades with a series of outlandishly heterosexual acts that fooled everybody, including having an anchor tattooed onto his bicep, and occasionally shouting "Grrr... boobies" in public.
However, an admission on the internet has proved once and for all that we are all mugs. It read:
"I have been a proud gay man for many years now, but the hardest thing I have ever had to admit to myself is that I am... Ricky Martin. I know this may come as a shock to a lot of fans of gays; and indeed some of you may even be pitchfork-wavingly furious."
Indeed they are. Peter Tatchall, founder of gay group Boys Under Men For Umpteen Nights (BUMFUN), told The Spoof:
"We have campaigned tirelessly for gay rights and to fight prejudice. The last thing we need is some homo claiming to be Ricky Martin. The man's a tool... it will set the whole gay movement back years."
However, Tatchall said there was a small glimmer of hope for his fellow campaigners:
"I can only pray that it turns out to be a hoax. We all breathed a sigh of relief when that c**t Jason Donovan turned out to love the minge... Fingers crossed it happens again here.
Anyway, mistakes can happen - do you remember that actor who played Babe: Pig In the City? It was claimed he was an actual pig, but it turned out producers had just shaved Danny DeVito and slapped him about a bit til he went pink."