John Mayer has voluntarily checked into rehab after it finally dawned on him that the world is not as fascinated with him as Mayer is with himself. The realisation came after yet another attempt to crack the British market left music lovers mystified and underwhelmed.
"Nobody realised he was an actual musician; we all thought he was either a stand-up comedian or a professional boyfriend" said a ticket agency spokesman. "Confused fans were even trying to book tickets for Jonathan Love Hewitt."
Mayer has now booked into the Jakovski Clinic for Sexual Dysfunction.
"Mr Mayer presents a wide range of symptoms" said the Clinic's director, Dr Jakovski. "The first is premature enunciation; the inability to engage the brain before running the mouth. This has caused great offence in certain sections of the community. John is severely misunderstood; he is in fact an equal opportunity deadbeat who offends all sections of the community."
Dr Jakovski continued: "He also suffers from an acute case of Persistent Imaginary Stud Syndrome, whereby he believes himself to be some sort of love god when in fact he's just an emergency pit-stop for bored actresses." Mayer's previous consorts include Janiston, Jewitt and Jimpson.
It seems his biggest problem, as a do-it-yourself enthusiast with a rabid appetite for publicity, is an inability to have a barclays without alerting the media. Every time he bashes the bishop, he feels compelled to relay the information to an alleged adoring public.
During rehab Mayer will stay in a monastic, cell-like room adorned with a single photograph of Perez Hilton, keeping in shape by practising the mystical eastern arts of nintendo, bonsai and origami. The Clinic has prepared a special diet with all the sexually suggestive foods removed. "There'll be no saveloys, meat and two veg, tossed salad or battered sausage on the menu" says the in-house nutritionist, "and we daren't even risk him with pulled pork."
A specially trained team of counsellors will help him to come to terms with the fact that it's possible to indulge in sexual activity without holding a press conference afterwards.
"There's no crime in knocking one out" says Dr Jakovski "but Mr Mayer has a tendency to splash it all over the tabloids."
Mayer's spokesman told this reporter: "John is unavailable for comment, which is a whole new experience for him."