Superbowl XLIV Breaks TV Ratings Records

Written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 7 February 2010


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It's probably the Greatest Show On Earth. We are of course talking about Superbowl XLIV which takes place later today amidst an unprecedented security lockdown as the New Orleans Saints go helmet to helmet with the Indianapolis Colts at Miami's Sun Life Stadium, while most of the rest of America freezes its ass off because of global warming.

A record breaking 100 million plus Americans are expected to watch the event on TV, as attack helicopters hover above the stadium, jet fighters prepare to scramble in case of emergency, while sniffer dogs, SWAT teams, snipers, riot squads, secret agents, and security guards keep an ever vigilant eye on proceedings on the ground.

Tonight, America eagerly anticipates its biggest TV audience in the history of broadcasting.

In the UK it's a slightly different story. Most Brits don't particularly give a shit whether Peyton Manning or Drew Brees emerges victorious, yet Superbowl XLIV will set another TV record in the UK - the most switched off programme of the year, a title it has held with distinction for the last 20 or more years.

One problem for Brits is that the Superbowl rumbles on until the early hours of the morning GMT, and Brits aren't renowned for being 24 hour party people. Another problem lies with the game itself, four seconds of play followed by ten minutes of relentless advertising. And the fact that the ball in 'football' is rarely ever kicked. Many Brits decide to give it a shot but inevitably give it up as a bad job and bugger off to bed.

"It's like watching fucking paint dry," soccer fan Eddie Armstrong told us. "But however dull it gets, I won't be switching off. Because I won't be watching in the first place. Why watch that crap when there are re-runs of 'Only Fools And Horses' on the Yesterday Channel?"

Fair point.

Seems this is one gig that - even with the inclusion of a half-time spectacular by legendary Brit rockers The Who - won't be attracting much of a UK audience.

"There's just no passion in the American game," said French lingerie model Vanessa Perroncel.

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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