Pint-sized Aussie warbler, Peter Andre, has decided to take up tractor driving in an effort to win back the affections of Katie Price. The performer turned plougher hopes that it will show Katie that he's just as much man as Alex Reid and that the stuff she's read in the tabloids about him crying like a girl after their break up is complete bullshit.
It's believed that he thought about taking up a martial art like Origami or something but he didn't want his precious nose to be damaged, in the unlikely event of someone landing a punch when his guard was down. He also considered being a bricklayer as they've got rugged hands and can carry bricks, but his doctor diagnosed him as stepnophobic, meaning he has a fear of climbing up ladders apparently. His careers advisor even suggested joining a fair and working on the dodgems, but he didn't want to be responsible for the safety of his son Harvey crashing his bumper car all the time if Katie turned up one afternoon on a family day out with Alex.
'So he decided tractor driving was the job for him' said an insider at the farm where he will take up his driving lessons. 'A tractor represents everything a man should be. It's big, strong and powerful and it can pick up potatoes. Peter likes the thought of getting his hands on the big steering wheel in his cab, whilst chewing on a piece of straw and making manly noises like ooh-ahh when he spies one of the milk maids having a fag break. Jordan won't be able to resist him when she sees him trundling through a field spreading muck everywhere. How can a poncy cage fighter compete with that?'
However, a neighbour of Katie Price thinks Peter has made a big mistake in his agricultural pursuit. 'It's true only a real man could be a tractor driver but Peter should remember that Katie is coprophobic, meaning she has a fear of shit apparently. I don't think she'd be too pleased if Pete came home after a hard day's work desperate for a grope of her big tits, only to find out she had shit smeared all over them after he'd had a good old fumble. I mean she's quite happy to have anyone cop a feel of her huge melons but she draws the line when someone wants to massage them with 3 week old cow crap.'
Andre's new single, a cover of the Wurzel's classic 'I've Got a Brand New Combine Harvester' is released next week.
